All The Disney Princesses Ranked From “Hoe To Hero”

A new spin on all your childhood favourites.
All The Disney Princesses Ranked From “Hoe To Hero”

If I’ve learned one thing in my life, it’s that you’ve got to be yourself, without any excuses or apologies. You’re a vegan? Live your best vegan life. You’re tall, short, innocent, a party animal? It’s all good. Be your happiest self.

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Which is why, when I saw the newest trailer for the live-action version of Beauty and the Beast, all of us in the office got to thinking about the identities of Disney princesses. Some of them were known for being super heroic… others, not so much.

But it doesn’t matter what they were known for, though. Whether they were totally in for saving their kingdoms or not, they still proved that no matter what, you can be whoever you are, and great things will still happen to you.


Ariel 5/5


Ariel, I love you, but you kind of endangered your family, friends, and whole kingdom… for a guy who wouldn’t accept you for your glorious mermaid self.

I don’t know if this was a hoe move or not, but it wasn’t a good one, that’s for sure.


Belle 5/5


I mean, yes, Beauty and the Beast is a great love story about how there’s someone for everyone. Heartwarming.

Except Bell literally abandoned her responsibilities at home for her brand new beast/guy. Cool, I guess? Also, a guy legit died because of this situation? RIP Gaston. You were a douche, but you still met an untimely end.


Cinderella 5/5


Girl, you go out there and net yourself the prince. Work your Godmother-given magic. Yasss.


Snow White 4/5

Snow White had no time to live her best hoe life; she had an Evil Stepmother to watch out for, plus a house full of seven guys to keep clean.

Wait a minute…


Sleeping Beauty 3/5

A photo posted by @pixiedusted_bambi on

Aurora lived with her three strict “aunts” for most her life, avoiding a curse that would put her to sleep for a century.

The second she finally met a guy she seemed to really like, bam. Curse fulfilled. All I can say is that this is some serious bad luck.


Pocahontas 2/5

Oh man, Pocahontas was out there saving everyone, trying to broker peace between her tribe and the people who were threatening her very way of life, all the while falling in love with John Smith.

In the second movie, Pocahontas dumps John Smith and moves on to John Rolfe. Girl, you do you. You pick the best guy for you. Shine bright, Pocahontas. Shine bright.


Rapunzel 2/5

Straight-up, Rapunzel was way too busy focusing on getting TF out of her tower to think about anything else.


Tiana 1/5

LIVE now at http://twitch.tv/mioree working on #PrincessTiana from #princessandthefrog ❤ Come hang out!! 🤤

A photo posted by Mioree 🌙 Artist 🦁♐️🚺 (@mioree_) on

Girl had a restaurant to run and dreams to fulfill. Absolutely no time for living her best hoe life, sorry.


Mulan 1/5

Mulan was too busy saving her entire country from an invasion after scamming her way into the army. She literally had zero time to have any kind of fun, unless you count the very end of the movie when she had to shimmy into the emperor’s palace with the help of her newfound army friends.

That seemed like fun to me, TBH.


Queen Elsa 0/5

I mean… Elsa spent her whole life in a self-imposed lock down away from everything she knew and loved in order to protect everyone. This is probably the most tragic story I’ve ever heard, TBH.


Jasmine ?/5

Okay, the thing about Jasmine is that she’s a bit of a wild card. She seems to do exactly what she wants to do; so if she feels like being a hoe, she’ll be one, no sweat. If she doesn’t feel like it, then she won’t. Good on you, Jasmine. Good on you.


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Miranda Cipolla

Miranda was born and raised in Montreal, and has spent all of her free time exploring the city she loves so much. Her interests include tequila, food, and overusing the word “bae”. You can follow her adventures on Instagram (@ciaomiranda12) and Facebook.
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All The Disney Princesses Ranked From “Hoe To Hero”