Girls think they have a monopoly on faking orgasms, but the truth is guys can fake it too, and we do. But only when it's absolutely necessary. And unlike women, we don't talk about it, we don't use it to make you feel bad about your performance and we will never admit we did it to you.
First, allow me to explain something. It's really easy for a guy to fake an orgasm. Guys tend to orgasm more silently than women. This comes from years of masturbating in secret. Girls tend to have more vocal orgasms. So when a guy fakes an orgasm he doesn't need to put on much of a show. Second, since a condom is likely involved, there's no way for the girl to notice the guy faked it unless she inspects the condom's content afterwards.
So I asked some guys who preferred to remain nameless and here are some the stories I've heard.
1. Too Tired
We were on the couch watching TV and slowly passing out. We got up and decided to go to bed, but since we're too young to go to bed without having sex first, we decided to get it on. But after about 30 seconds I realized just how tired I was. My penis was really into it, but the rest of me was fantasizing about sleeping. And after awhile I realized no amount of arousal could ever make me finish. But you don't want to make the girl feel like it's her fault, so you give a few more pumps, let out a quiet moan, quickly dispose of the condom and the rest is history.
2. Whisky Dick
Whiskey Dick is very real and there's no greater disappointment. Unlike the "Too Tired" scenario you're actually into it, but your equipment just won't cooperate. So rather than going limp inside her, it's far more polite to simply fake a climax and call it a day.
3. She's Just Bad
Sure, there are plenty of guys whose problem is finishing too quickly rather than not being able to finish at all. But some of us require a certain amount of skill, and enthusiasm on your part in order to orgasm. So if you're sitting there, barely participating and expecting me to do all the work, you got another thing "cumming".
Lucky for your ego, after we break up, we won't text you saying "I faked every orgasm". We're classy like that.
4. The Great Escape
Sometimes you get guilted into "morning after sex" when all you really want to do is get the fuck out of there. So you reluctantly begin, but you're way too uncomfortable to get into it. And after about 5 minutes it becomes clear, if I don't leave now I'll be stuck here all day.
5. You're Hungry
Morning sex is great, but sometimes you don't realize how hungry you are until you hear that dreaded stomach rumble. Sorry boner, but after the age of 25, hunger will usually win.
6. Game Of Thrones Is About To Start
She might not care, but there's no way I'm missing the start of my show.
7. It's Too Damn Hot
Sometimes you start and everything is going fine, but doing 1000 push-ups on top of someone is hard work and sometimes it just gets too damn hot to focus, especially in the summer.
8. Doing It In The Shower Was A Terrible Idea
This goes back to the "Too damn hot" scenario. Shower sex is only fun in theory but in reality it's a lot of work and fucking while standing up for more than 5 minutes really sucks. There are no good angles, you're constantly worrying about slipping and all this damn hot water isn't helping!
9. Racial Guilt
I had a Jewish friend tell me a story about how he was having sex with a Muslim girl and couldn't keep it up because he started feeling guilty. Not sure what the logic is here exactly, maybe he started wondering about what his mother would think.
10. You Just Finished Masturbating
One time I was texting a girl who was supposed to come over to my place. Then she had to cancel so I figured I'd take care of myself. Only the minute I finished, she texted me back to say she was on her way after all and she'd be there in 2 minutes. Guess I'm doing a double shift tonight. Unless...
