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20 Ways Montrealers Win At Life

We're not bad.
20 Ways Montrealers Win At Life

Photo cred - @imaustinhk

Are we too narcissistic? Nah. No shame in being awesome and knowing it.

1. You have an innate geographical intuition measuring "pothole depth, frequency, and quality" against "affluence of street" (i.e. distance from Westmount)

2. Not getting lost very often.

Montreal's roads may not be too great, but at least the city centre is easy navigate because it's on a grid system, and a lot of the buses lead to a metro system. Take that, other cities! Wait, other cities don’t have a grid system, right? That’s a Montreal thing? Yeah.

3. You’ve survived harsh winters that would make the Stark family cringe.

4. While the Sami language has about 180 words for "snow", you have twice as many as that.

...mostly because you can use the word for "dead, brown slush" as a root for all of the others

5. You know how to appreciate old things (well, sort of)

6. From your childhood, you still remember terrifying French TV shows like Téléfrançais, and its pineapple thing.

The most terrifying thing is how many sober people probably approved this before it aired.

7. You have the ability to go through an entire educational system without knowing what its name stands for.

It could stand for "Chillingly Endless Gathering of Educational Problems" and you wouldn't know.

8.You have come up with the perfect 30-second rundown to explain what a CEGEP to Americans.

"It's a type of - fuck it - I went to school, okay?"

9. You’ve either become a master of layering clothes, or you’ve developed a total immunity to feel the cold.

Or both.

10. HABS

I mean, you live in the same city as them. Throughout, like, half of the year. That means they're in YOUR BLOOD. GO HABS GO.

11. "If the Habs win, Montreal riots. If they lose, Montreal goes home for a quiet night in”

You are able to successfully rationalised this, and you've lost the ability to register how little sense it actually makes.

12. Even if you’re not a hockey fan, you’ve picked up enough info from people around you that you can successfully fake your way through any hockey conversation.

13. You know two names for every major street, metro station, and landmark.

One in French and one in English.

14. In fact, you know that speaking two languages is barely noteworthy

Saying you're bilingual is like saying you know how to ride a bike without training wheels.

15. But Anglophones have the ability to skillfully memorise and completely master barely-relevant phrases in French

...while avoiding actually learning the language.

16. You have distilled planning your summer festival attendance into an art

A fine art – frantically searching for scalpers, refining optimal STM routes to a tee, triangulating beer locations while ignoring bathroom locations

17. You can immediately tell the difference between a Montreal-style bagel, a New York-style bagel, and those weird bread rings they sell in supermarkets

18. You have the ability to be equally outraged at pretty much any political change in this city

Despite knowing that it’ll likely entail nothing different. Same thing goes for any change in the Habs lineup. And the rotation of motorway repairs. And people using French or English when they should have been using English or French.

19. You understand why Mont-Royal is a real mountain.

Doesn’t matter what people from other cities say about Mount Royal being “just a small hill”. It’s a mountain, goddammit. OUR mountain.

20.  You don't live in Toronto.

Oh burn.

(Sorry, Drake.)

If you’re also a weirdo about Montreal culture and humour, find Sijia on Twitter (@chuffystilton) or on her tumblr.

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