Everyone has their favourite family-friendly Halloween movie, and if you were a kid in the 90s, there's a 90% chance your fave is Hocus Pocus.
A delightfully spooky romp filled with fun, hilarity, and a musical number from Bette Midler, Hocus Pocus is everything a kid could want in a Halloween movie. But that's just the thing, Hocus Pocus was great when you were a kid. How the film stacks up now is a totally different story.
Having had the chance to re-watch Hocus Pocus this past weekend, I realized there are a lot of thoughts that will pop into your head when you watch the movie as an adult. Nothing is quite as good as you remember it as a child, and that definitely applies to Hocus Pocus.
OMG, that's the same director as High School Musical!
Okay, maybe this was only on my radar, but Kenny Ortega is the guy behind the HSM trilogy, which makes that whole "I put a spell on you" scene make way more sense.
Binx is way cuter as a cat.
Cat-Binx is hella cute. Real boy-Binx, kinda fugz. Some people were just meant to be talking animals.
Holy shit that little girl just died!
Isn't this supposed to be a Disney movie? This innocent little girl literally gets the life sucked out of her, only to then wander the spirit realm as a ghost until her brother joins her 300 years later. I thought kids weren't supposed to die in horror movies!
Sarah Jessica Parker looks way better as a witch.
Maybe it's the makeup, maybe it's the fact that she's 22 years younger, but damn SJP used to be kinda fine. Nowadays she's rocking a horse mixed with a foot sort of face. Witch-Sarah is a vast improvement.
Hey, that's the nun from Sister Act!
Another beloved 90s favourite, you may also remember Kathy Najimy as the voice of Peggy from King of the Hill.
Is that book the Necronomicon?
Bound in what seems to be human flesh, able to access the darkest of magics, and can't be harmed by fire, sound familiar? To folks who aren't fans of H.P. Lovecraft or Evil Dead, probably not, but you should definitely check out the 2013 remake of the latter. It's on Netflix and is one of the best modern horror movies around, so it's perfect for Halloween.
Bette Midler's character is actually a Sith Lord.
Winifred shoots out force bolts on par with Darth Sidious.
Wow, none of the kids amounted to very much.
No, you don't remember them from anything you saw recently. A quick IMDb search of Omri Katz (Max), Thora Birch (Dani), and Vinessa Shaw (Allison) will show you their acting careers haven't exactly been booming, save for some TV roles.
Uhhhh, how did the witches return looking so fresh?
So the sisters were super old, then sucked the youth out of a small child, were dead/in Hell for 300 years, and then came back still looking fresh? Wouldn't 300 years in Hell do a number on your face? Maybe pits of fire and brimstone are like hot spring baths for witches.
Billy is the saddest character ever.
Not only did Billy have sex with Winifred, a punshment in itself, but after fooling around with Sarah, he got poisoned and had his mouth sewn shut. Even worse, any time the witch-bitch that is Winifred feels like coming back to the mortal plane, Billy is basically her slave. Add in all of the decapitations and you have the portrait of a really heart-wrenching character. Poor Billy.
They really play up the whole virgin thing.
Seriously, they stress that Max is a virgin like 9 different times in the movie. We get it Disney, you want to make sure kids save themselves for marriage, but give Max a break. Nothing kills game more than someone calling you a virgin in front of the girl you're trying to get with.
And doesn't the fact that it needs to be a virgin to resurrect the evil witches kind of deter people from abstaining? I'd rather be able to get laid and light whatever candles I want than be a virgin by this logic.
All I want to do is punch Jay & Ice in the face.
No need to explain this one. You felt it too.
Max would never get Allison in real life.
Allison is popular, rich, and a regulation hottie. Max is kind of cute, and, uh...is from LA? Seriously, that's all he has going for him. IRL, Allison wouldn't give him two seconds of her time.
This bus driver is the biggest creeper.
Yes, come aboard ladies, so I can feel up the prettiest in the bunch! Please, sit on my lap, don't mind the bulge!
Ouch, my feels.
For a second, while looking at Binx's flattened corpse, you're taken to your childhood, when your parents sat you down and gave you the dark news that your cat was run over by a car. Binx may get back up, but Fluffy never did. Thanks for that reminder Hocus Pocus.
The devil exists and he's out to get your soul.
This guy might not be Satan, but the sisters think he is, and they even reference the fact that they've "met" ol' Lucifer. Very comforting to know there is a devil down there, vying for my eternal soul.
I hope my marriage doesn't end up this shitty.
He's a juvenile man-child who yearns for any form of excitement to break the monotony of his broken marriage, and she's a TV-addict alcoholic who shits on anything and everything. No matter what anyone tells you, this is the scariest part of this movie, because ending up like these two would be a real hell on Earth.
Those little girls who took the sisters' broom probably died.
They don't know how to drive and they're rocketed into the air by sticks of wood even an adult wouldn't be able to control. In all likelihood, those young gals careened into the ground at mach 3, not knowing how to brake on a broomstick.
The mom's Madonna costume is super on point.
Serious points awarded.
If the sisters win, I wouldn't really be all that sad.
I mean, they're just trying to steal the life force of children so they can stay young and beautiful forever. Who among you wouldn't do that? Besides, all the kids in this movie suck anyway.
This is actually the worst.
A thought that will stay with you throughout the film, accompanied by "How did I even like this as a kid?" "How did this get funded?" and "Please make it stop."
God, please, let there be a sequel.
And yet, by the end, all your inner child wants is more. Midler, Parker, and Najimy are apparently in, so we may have a sequel yet!
All movie images courtesy of Movie-ScreenCaps.com