You got to hand it to straight men, for while they may have been the cause of almost every awful thing to ever happen in human history, they have created some pretty stellar pieces of culture. Case in point: cheesy pick up lines.
Yes, the women reading may find these overused phrases, meant specifically to get into their pants, incredibly annoying and more than a little depressing, but they are funny. Well, at least when you're not on the receiving end.
Today, one reddit user decided to flip the gender roles associated with the kind of awful one-liners so often overheard at bars (and pretty much anywhere else straight dudes are looking to get some), by asking, "if girls were the ones who had corny pickup lines, what would they be?"
The response was immense and hilarious. With 1,050 comments and counting, Reddit users (who are surely 99% dudes) are still pitching these hypothetical pickup lines that would be spoken by women.
And because we enjoy such thought-provoking, nuanced approaches to gender dynamics (feel the sarcasm, people), we thought we'd share some of the best responses to all y'all who don't live on Reddit.
"Nice face, I'd like to frame it with my legs"
Apparently from a friendly Tinder match.
"I wish I was your car so you could fill me up"
With what, equal pay and job opportunities? Thought so.
"I may not be a farmer but I can raise your c*ck"
Roosters are quite difficult to manage, so kudos to this strong, independent, fictitious female-farmer.
"There are plenty of fish in the sea, but you're the only one I want to take home and mount"
Note the double entendre.
"Are you a burger cause you can be the meat between my buns"
Alternatively, replace "burger" with "hotdog" for a similar effect.
"Are you the host of Wheel of Fortune? Cuz I want you to give me a D"
Somehow, I don't find being mistaken for Pat Sajak all that flattering.
"Hey baby, you got any wood for this beaver?"
"Amazon said they delivered my package, is that it in your pants?"
Can't someone else sign for it? No, okay, fine.
"I'm with the CIA - Cock Inspection Association - I think you might have a Weapon of Ass Destruction in your pants, I have to check"
Personally, I'm just happy to hear women have an equivalent to the "FBI/Female Body Inspector" thing.
"You can Slytherin to my chamber of secrets whenever you want "
For the Harry Potter fans who just need someone to handle their wand.
"You're so fine I'd suck your dad's dick to get a taste of the original recipe"
Finger lickin' good.
"Are you a plumber? Cuz I've got a leaking pipe"
I would be concerned if I heard this one.
"Want to give me an Australian kiss? It's like french kissing, but you're going down under"
Poisonous spiders and insects may or may not be present.
"Hey baby, my taco could use some extra meat tonight"
To be fair, every taco could use some extra meat, always. Even vegetarian tacos.
"I don't know what's gotten into me lately, but I wish it was you"
Subtle, but effective.
"Wanna grab some coffee? I like mine long and black"
Same here, in both respects.
"You look like cake, you'll go straight to my thighs"
Check this off as "it's super effective!" if the guy is a little chubby.
"Are you my liver? Because, I'm pretty sure I need you inside me"
Don't use unless you want to seem hella despy. Well, I guess you could say that about all of these...
"My car was stolen. Can I ride you instead?"
Did you file a police report? Oh, wait, I see what you did there.
"Damn you must be great at golf because you just scored a hole-in-one"
Actually, it'll probably take a few tries for me to really sink it in.
"Here's a towel, you're about to get your dick wet"
Common courtesy is always appreciated.
"Hey darling, this here is a one horse town and you look like you could use a ride"
Best spoken with an old-timey western accent.
"Here, feel my skin. That right there is girlfriend material."
To be honest, I paraphrased this one, but I still think it's pretty choice.
"You make me wetter than when I'm on my period"
"Are you looking for a job? I have an opening you can fill"
What are the benefits?
"Hey sir, can I borrow a few pairs of your chromosomes?"
I can only spare a Y.
"You look like an explorer, you wanna check out my cave?"
An excerpt from the video game "Lara Croft: Womb Raider"
"Do you have an umbrella? 'Cause I'm getting wet"
Life would be perfect if Rihanna said this at some point.
"Your mind isn't the only thing I can blow"
Balloons, you mean balloons, right?
Or, to be more frank, "Hello, I have a vagina." Don't think you have to go much further than that.