Photo cred - TaylorHerring
If you got chocolate from your family this Easter, and you’re sick of those neon tinfoil wrapped eggs, then you’re not alone. Every year hundreds of Montrealers all get baskets of brightly wrapped chocolate shaped like eggs, rabbits, ducks, and a slew of other innocent animals. Although chocolate’s delicious, chances are you’re getting sick of it by now and are still trying to finish what you bought after Halloween or Valentine’s day (don’t pretend like you don’t buy bags of discounted chocolates after the holidays are over… you’re not fooling anyone). So if you’re sick of pharmacy bought Hershey’s kisses be sure to ask for one of these fun alternatives, instead of chocolate, next year.
1. A Bunny Onesie
If you’ve ever been sitting at home, cold to the bone, and asked yourself if there was a better way to get warm that doesn’t involve wearing seventy layers, or a cult-like snuggie, then brace yourself for an awesome answer: yes you can. And all thanks to a cozy bunny onesie. In addition to being made of supple pink flannel, this bad boy comes equipped with rubber bottomed booties and an ass-flap, so you can run safely through your house and stay warm while you use the washroom at three in the morning. Plus, let’s be honest, who doesn’t look cute in a rabbit costume?
2. Chocolate Covered Rabbit Poutine
You like chocolate, you like poutine, and you’ve always wanted to try rabbit, so why not ask your family to put together a poutine adorned with chocolate dipped rabbit jerky? The combination might sound offensive to your taste bud’s sensibilities at first, but bear in mind that poutine pizza, and chocolate covered bacon, are both considered to be delicious treats. So don’t judge it before you try it. Or, alternatively, judge it a lot and never touch it.
3. Donnie Darko
If you’re sick and tired of pastel coloured everything, stuff shaped like baby barn animals, and companies shoving spring down your throat, then ask your family to get you Donnie Darko next Easter. A movie that will keep you up at night and instill a seemingly irrational (but completely understandable) fear of rabbits in you, this 2001 cult classic starring Jake Gyllenhaal makes the perfect gift for any horror enthusiast who gets nauseated at the idea of adorable Easter themed movies.
4. A Chocolate Statue Of Benedict Cumberbatch
Ok, we know this list is supposed to include things other than chocolate, but who wouldn’t want a life-sized statue of Benedict Cumberbatch entirely sculpted out of chocolatey goodness? No one, that’s who. The British network UKTV had one commissioned this year out of Belgian chocolate that stands six feet high, and weighs roughly 88lbs. The only questions you should be asking yourself now are, “How do I order one?” and “Can they make one to look like Tom Hiddleston too?"
Photo cred - Gerald
5. A Fabergé Egg
If you’ve ever wanted to bring a little class to Easter, then make sure you ask your family to pitch in and buy you an ornate fabergé egg next year. Eggs normally made of gold, diamonds, and a variety of other precious metals and expensive jewels, they add an element of luxury to the occasion. Sure, they can cost millions of dollars depending on how fancy you want to get, but who wouldn’t appreciate finding one of these ridiculously decadent eggs during your annual Easter egg hunt?
6. It’s Not Easy Being A Bunny
If you’re looking to discover the real meaning of Easter (hint: it has nothing to do with religion), then ask your family to get you the classic Dr. Seuss book It’s Not Easy Being A Bunny. The story of PJ Funnybunny, who inspired several of Seuss’ adventures, this book is guaranteed to bring you hours of fun, assuming you read it over and over again for days. It’s also a great way to revisit your childhood and dredge up memories you’ve been trying to repress for years.
7. Eggs With Which To Pummel Your Enemies
If you’ve ever been wronged and are looking for a way to get revenge, the Easter season is here to help… by providing you with a dozen eggs with which you can use to pummel your enemies. Pull a Bieber, and take the time to egg some asshole who really deserves it next year. For an element of fun, be sure to have your family hard-boil and decorate the eggs before giving them to you, for that added personal touch.
8. A Bunny-gram
What better encapsulates the spirit of Easter, and that of spring, than a half-naked man or woman wearing bunnies ears and a tail? Nothing, that’s what. If your grandparents can’t think of something to get you next year, kindly suggest they invest in a bunny-gram. Not only will it be a pleasing gift for the eyes, it’ll be a great one for the ears as the song they sing you will get stuck in your head for the duration of April. Plus, the memory of getting a bunny-gram while attending brunch with your partner and their family will last a lifetime… for all of you.