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99 Problems With Montreal

But poutine ain't one.
99 Problems With Montreal

Jay-Z was on to something when he coined the now-iconic hook of the classic "99 Problems." Mr. Zed may have thought his catchy phrase would stay in the realm of hip-hop, but as all Montrealers know, we got our own list of issues, and a bitch (male and female) definitely is one, or maybe two. Okay, like four.

We love Montreal more than anyone, but sometimes you just gotta vent and call out the shit that riles up some anger, so to better appreciate the awesome aspects of the city. All that pent up frustration is coming out, one at a time 'til we hit 99.

Here are the 99 problems of Montreal. Hit me.

  1. Lack of 24/hr public transportation, because c'mon son
  2. Pot holes: fix em, or city start doling out free wheel realignments.
  3. Parking signs requiring a decoder ring
  4. Waiting for a bus in winter that never shows up, ever
  5. Best hockey team that never wins
  6. Vitamin D deficiency
  7. Asshole English people – You know who you are
  8. Asshole French people – Vous savez qui vous êtes
  9. OQLF
  10. Downtown during frosh
  11. No rights on red lights
  12. Summer too short
  13. Feeling uncool and unbearded at indie coffee shops
  14. Too many festivals too little money
  15. The question: hipster or homeless?
  16. MTL Blog: spelling mistakes, sexism, and misinformation
  17. No tipping=criminal, sometimes capital, offense
  18. Ever present danger of street/bridge collapse
  19. 15% sales tax
  20. People who complain about weather
  21. People who complain about people who complain about weather
  22. 3rd World  Broadband 
  23. Awful automobile manners! – No waive, never signal. :(
  24. Bike lanes, expand/improve 'em or nix 'em!
  25. Frozen beard hair
  26. Teeth – where’s the delicious mind controlling fluoride?
  27. Eating vegetables
  28. New Champlain Bridge: Coming 2055
  29. YUL Airport: The Most Expensive Major Destination in North America
  30. Bars not open till 6AM
  31. International copyright laws
  32. Crazy cylists
  33. Frozen dog poop
  34. Two seasons: winter, construction
  35. Quebec driving exam
  36. Taxis
  37. Carb-loading bagels at 4AM
  38. Food deserts
  39. Guy-Concordia always too hot, always
  40. Shady unions
  41. Outdoor staircases in winter, in summer they perdy.
  42. Too many streets closed down for filming! But celeb spotting a bonus.
  43. Mexican food, there is none
  44. Bring back the Better Business Bureau
  45. Seasonal firebombs
  46. That one day in March that fools you summer is near
  47. Orange cones
  48. Boil water advisories, annoying. Trihalomethanes in the water? *poops pants*.
  49. Illegal Debit card fees
  50. Not enough English media
  51. Winter too long
  52. No Whole Foods :(, no Trader Joes.
  53. The Olympic Stadium
  54. Manila envelopes stuffed with cash (read: political corruption.)
  55. ‘Goodwill Hunting’ type ponytail "Gordon Wood" reciters at bars.
  56. Riot cops
  57. No Expos
  58. No "real" street food
  59. You can be snowboarding in 45 minutes... this can be dangerous in the winter
  60. Drunk Americans
  61. Food trucks cost too damn much
  62. Grand Prix
  63. Montreal Women… just kidding they are perfect ;)
  64. Not enough city funding for visual art
  65. Too many restaurants, not enough time.
  66. No public metro to the West Island
  67. No public metro to the East… oh wait Blue line is being extended, west islanders riot
  68. Too much stuff to do in the city, good problem to have
  69. Trying to get breakfast/brunch downtown on a Sunday
  70. Dooring
  71. SPVM
  72. Parking tickets
  73. Charbonneau Commission: will we have any elected officials left?
  74. Puke on streets
  75. Frozen puke on streets
  76. Condos
  77. High Five’n Bros in McGill Ghetto
  78. Black ice
  79. Crescent St.
  80. The Habs don’t play again ‘till October
  81. February
  82. Not enough PK Subban commercials
  83. Bed bugs
  84. Bieber’s Buonanotte visits
  85. Not enough 24/hour breakfast
  86. Passive-aggression
  87. Aggressive aggression
  88. Artisinal everything
  89. Your friend’s band
  90. Mold…
  91. No dogs in bars, restaurants
  92. Vagrant population
  93. Parking downtown
  94. Construction “industry”
  95. Marijuana is still illegal (technically)
  96. Homogeneity
  97. Your coffee order is being judged
  98. Your beer order is being judged
  99. Taxes

…But poutine ain’t one.

For more on all things, follow me on my spanking new Twitter account @MaxWood33

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