An Open Letter To The Angry Sky God On Mount Royal

Some deities are straight up douches.
An Open Letter To The Angry Sky God On Mount Royal

On days like today, it's hard not to think there's some deity overlooking us from the celestial realm, giggling at our weather-based misfortune.

Call us pagan if you like, but a snow storm in April could only be an act of some angered god, and John Faithful Hamer of Committing Sociology has the perfect response to the douchey divinity above Montreal.

Here's what John had to say to:

"We’re told that one of modernity’s great achievements was the realization that things like the weather have nothing to do with us. But when it’s snowing on April 7th, it’s hard not to take the weather personally. When it’s snowing on April 7th, I feel a deep psychic connection with my ancient forebears, who saw the wrath of Zeus in every thunderclap, and the displeasure of Poseidon in every menacing wave.

Great God of the Montreal Sky: What have we done to displease ye so? Angry Sky God on Mount Royal: What prayers and supplications do ye desire? What sacrifices will appease your anger? Look, LORD, you can’t have my firstborn—because I like him, I like him a lot—but I’m willing to get you a smoked meat sandwich from Schwartz’s—seriously, LORD, I’ll hook you up!

If I climb to the top of Mount Royal, fashion an altar out of an old picnic table, and set fire to a brown bag full of Schwartz’s smoked meat, would it be a sweet savor unto ye, oh LORD? Would this burnt offering appease your wrath? Look, I do not ask that ye make mine descendants to be more numerous than the stars in the heavens above. Nor do I ask that ye make the fruit of my loins more numerous than the sands of the sea shore. I ask only that ye take away the cold and the snow, and replace it with trilliums, tank-tops, and Tam-Tams.

—John Faithful Hamer, From Here (2016)

p.s. Darren says he’ll throw in a dill pickle and a Cott’s Cherry Cola, LORD; Sheila’s bringing poutine; and Rio says she’ll happily offer up a luscious bottle of your brother Dionysus’s finest Napa Valley red."

Published with permission from Committing Sociology

Iconic Montreal Deli Boucherie Slovenia Is Closing Its Doors Forever

Boucherie Slovenia will soon serve its last spicy sausage.

Boucherie Slovenia, a boulevard Saint-Laurent institution for 50 years, will soon serve its last spicy sausage.

The iconic home of enormous Eastern European-style sandwiches — Slovenian sausage and towering cold-cuts were staples — will close its doors forever on January 29, said the owners, Lourdes Rodrigues and Jean Teixeira, in a Facebook post.

Keep Reading Show less

Montreal Was Ranked One Of Canada's Greenest Cities When It Comes To Transport

Montreal takes the lead as the most bicycle-friendly city in all of North America.

Montreal is certainly no stranger to a traffic jam, which makes taking public transit a more viable option to not only get around faster but do more good for the environment.

As Canadian cities take the initiative to improve their transit systems and reduce their carbon footprints, Montreal has become one of the country's greenest metropolitan areas when it comes to transport, according to one ranking.

Keep Reading Show less

More Than Half Of Quebec's 8 Biggest Cities Will Have A Woman As Mayor

In Quebec's city halls, women are kicking ass and taking names.

Women will lead five of Quebec's eight largest cities following the 2021 municipal elections.

The biggest headline of the night may have been Valérie Plante's triumph over old foe Denis Coderre in Montreal, but across the province, the faces of municipal politics have become more gender-balanced.

Keep Reading Show less

The government is in the process of filling a Service Canada job bank and it's advertising salaries of between $61,152 and $65,887.

On an online recruitment page, the Employment and Social Development Canada (ESDC) office says it needs to fill 45 benefits officer and program officer positions in Quebec and encourages qualified individuals to apply.

Keep Reading Show less