The Many Magical Uses Of Bacon
Ways to add bacon to your life, because more bacon is better.
Bacon is the shit. Don't deny it, if you eat meat then you're automatically a bacon-lover. Maple bacon, apple wood smoked, peameal, the delicious list goes on and on. You can literally use to make anything better, and by 'anything' we mean anything. Bacon doesn't just stop at food, there's a (bacon-weaved) cornucopia of items which are improved by the addition of bacon. MTL Blog has compiled a list, no, an ode, to the many magical uses of bacon, and here it is.
Bacon > Condom
One of the most manly of manly foods, you would think bacon would make a guy's sperm count skyrocket. This is not so. A study done by Harvard University, who analyzed the eating habits of 156 different men, found that those eating processed meats like bacon had much lower sperm counts compared to those who didn't. Bacon may not be a full proof contraceptive (unless you count the bacon-condoms pictured) but its nice to know it'll lower your chances of becoming a baby-daddy.
Source- The Age
Get Greasy Clean
Ever walk down the toiletry aisle and think to yourself 'Winter fresh is great, and so is Irish Spring, but damn do I wish there was a bacon scented soap.' No? Well maybe that's just us. Either way, bacon-scented soap does exist, and can lathered all over your body for your own, and everyone else's, sensory pleasure. What guy or girl can resist the alluring aroma of freshly fried bacon? If they're grossed out, no worries they're probably a Terminator or some shit. If they're into it, congratulations, you've found a keeper.
Greased Up For Lovin'
Bacon may not help you have babies, but it can certainly facilitate the act of baby-making. Open your eyes (with shock, awe, and excitement) to the wonderfully lustful creation that is bacon lube. That's right, bacon scented and flavoured sexual lubricant exists. If you got more than a little aroused just then, don't worry, that just means you're human. Now go pick up a bottle and do it as you please.
For Your Youngin'
Babies need to be taught the ways of the world, and their first few lessons should probably have a bacon dimension to them. Unless you want them to grow up all weird and non-bacon-y. To get 'em while they're young and impressionable, there is Bacon Baby Formula. Okay, so this isn't really a thing, but shouldn't it be? It probably never reached the retail market because all of the test parents couldn't stop eating the stuff, leaving none for the lil' babies. You can bet our kids will be raised on the stuff.
Pork Snail Mail
Paper envelopes and physical mail is slowly fading out from modern society (do you even know how to address a letter?), and boring old envelopes may be a large factor. Licking the sticky seal of an envelope isn't exactly a treat, and makes one much more appreciative of emails. If envelopes were bacon flavoured, like J&D's Mmmenvelopes, the situation would be a bit different. You would receive a few more letters if people got to enjoy the smoky flavour of bacon when sending some postage.
Bacon, Keep Fresh
You eat bacon, thus making it regularly come into contact with your mouth, so bacon-oriented oral hygiene is a logical leap, right? Who gives a shit anyway because adding bacon to dental products just makes keeping your teeth/mouth clean much more enjoyable. Stay fresh with Bacon Mints, Bacon Floss, Bacon Mouthwash, and, of course, Bacon Toothpaste.
Because Bacon Poutine
Yes, bacon poutine... Nuff said!
Think we've gone too far in our bacon craze?