Oh Christmas, you always loom on the holiday-horizon and grant such hope to all of us bearing through the first bouts of winter. And some years, Christmas actually delivers, making good on all of its promises of cheer and enjoyment.
But let me tell you that's not going to be the case for Christmas 2015. No, this Christmas in Montreal is undoubtedly going to suck, hard.
Why will Christmas 2015 in Montreal suck so bad? Well, for a lot of the usual reasons, with a new mix of sucky-elements we haven't quite experienced before. I wish it wasn't so, but alas, Christmas 2015 is going to really suck, and read why below.
Anyone dreaming of a white Christmas will need to keep it a dream, because the likelihood of their being any frost flakes in Montreal by Xmas time are getting slimmer by the day.
To get mildly technical, there's actually a 50-75% chance of Montreal getting snow for Christmas, to which I cry shenanigans. Predicting the weather is like trying to predict when the Habs are going to win/lose: nigh impossible.
And even if we do get snow, you know what's probably going to happen? It's all going to melt in all of 2 hours, turn into grimy slush, and only make the ground muddier than it's already been.
So say goodbye to the magical holiday atmosphere created by a snowy December 25th, and the warm and fuzzies you get, and say hello to a far more likely Christmas scenario: cold winds, icy rain, slippery sidewalks, and a bunch of mud to get your shoes dirty. Wow, Christmas 2015 is off to a real good start.
Crappy Christmas Events In The City
Before I begin this section of my anti-Xmas rant, let me first say that I'm sorry. Actually. As an MTL-based blogger, it's almost my duty to tell you about all the Christmas-related events happening in the city. What I can't tell you, though, mostly because I don't really know, is how shitty they can be.
Take the Prince-Arthur Christmas market, for example.
Being one of the first people to catch the story, I hyped up this first-ever Christmas market on Prince-Arthur street, buying into the event's description that spoke of amazing vendors, edibles, and activities.
But then I actually went to the Prince-Arthur Christmas market this past weekend, and it was complete garbage.
Instead of taking over the entire street from St. Laurent to Square Saint Louis, the Prince-Arthur Christmas market was barely a block long, and there was nothing special with what was there. Quite literally 2 minutes after arriving, me and my friends said "f*ck this noise" and left, feeling robbed, as the hype for the event far surpassed what the market delivered.
And the same thing happened at every other Christmas-related event I checked out. The Nutcracker Market had a bunch of over-priced knick-knacks for lame yuppies. The Christmas market at Parc des Compagnons was a muddy mess, and altogether boring. Granted, the fireworks at Parc La Fontaine were okay, making for the mediocre cherry on a shitty Christmas sundae.
I can't really speak to every Christmas event in Montreal, but I can tell you the ones listed above aren't really worth your time, and seriously sucked out a majority of my Xmas cheer. And since these types of events make up a large part of the holiday season in the city, Christmas in Montreal can already be seen as pretty shitty.
Those Underwhelming Xmas Lights on Saint-Laurent
Am I the only one who thinks those dinky string of lights that go up and down The Main on Saint Laurent are, well, kind of the worst?
Okay, yes, they do add a festive air to Saint-Laurent, albeit a very minor one. What, could the city not fork out a bit some extra cash and string along more than one set of lights? Maybe the inspiration was "minimalist Christmas," which sounds like the worst Xmas theme, ever.
If there was some snow on the ground, the lights might look prettier, but in the barren, late-fall weather we got going on, the Saint Laurent street lights are altogether underwhelming, and add to the overall suck-age that is Xmas 2015.
Zero Quality Christmas Movies To Watch
Remember when Elf came out? Or the Family Stone? Or any other Christmas movie that was actually good, and how much better it made the holiday season? Well, don't expect Christmas 2015 to get such a cinematic boost in the cheer department, because, coinciding with this year's theme of "suck," so will all of the new Xmas movies.
All we got going on this year for Christmas movies are a Seth Rogen comedy (and you've pretty much seen all of his movies if you've seen one before) and Star Wars, which will no-doubt be amazing, but has nothing to do with the holiday season.
And yes, there are some decent Xmas movies to watch on Netflix, but you've probably seen them all anyway.
Actually, I lied, there is one Christmas movie checking out this year: Krampus, a holiday horror-comedy where Santa comes to murder everyone who's naughty. The reviews have been pretty solid, and Krampus seems pretty appropriate for 2015, the year where Christmas will suck so hard that you just want to murder anyone with any semblance of cheer.
But if you're not into the horror genre, good luck with the inevitable trip to the movies you take with your family on the eve of Christmas day, when you all can't handle any more fam-jamming and need a distraction from each other. No doubt you'll be left hating how much Xmas sucked this year when you're stuck watching a 90-minute "fine, let's just watch this" kind of movie.
All The Other Christmas Crap
You know exactly what I'm talking about, the usual annoying aspects of the Christmas season you hate ever year.
These include, but aren't limited to: hearing Christmas music everywhere, the incessant cheer of co-workers and friends who enjoy Christmas more than any adult should, the deluge of shoppers that crowd every retail store, and so-boring-you-don't-want-to-go-but-kind-of-have-to Christmas parties for work.
Usually, all this Christmas crap just adds a small layer of shittiness to the holiday season, but this year, when the redeeming elements of Xmas are almost nonexistent, all the aforementioned Xmas-annoyances simply add to the ever-growing suck-storm that is Christmas 2015. Will we survive? I truly don't know.
Talking Politics With Your Family
2015 hasn't been the best year for global harmony. From ISIS, to Donald Trump, to Syrian refugees, to the new Prime Minister, there have been plenty of notable and divisive global events to talk about, which is generally fine, but not when the holiday season looms.
See, what makes Christmas so awful when it comes to discussing world politics is the fact that you need to do it with your close and extended family, rather than your educated and astute friend group who probably share your viewpoints.
Add in alcohol (a necessity at family gatherings) and you're already deep-seated hatred for certain members of your kin, and you have the recipe for undiluted frustration and many moments of "please stop talking or I will kill you."
Like I've already said, given that 2015 has seen some pretty intense global events, there's almost no-doubt your Christmas will be super-charged with political talk, all of which will be super sucky. I wish I could tell you to just drink the pain away, but that will only make you more argumentative/want to partake in the political pandemonium, and you'll only become part of the problem.
But despite all the inherent suck to be found in Christmas 2015, maybe you'll experience a holiday miracle, and actually enjoy the annual celebration of consumerism, er, I mean JC's birthday.
Here's hoping you do and merry (sucky) Christmas!