In honour of National Poutine Day, we thought it only right to pay homage to our favourite Quebecois dish the best way we know how: by trashing all the ways that people have managed to ruin it over the years.
So, with inspiration from Mashable's "11 most violent crimes against bagels," we bring you the 9 most violent crimes against our beloved Poutine.
You may disagree with one or two of these crimes, but just know... you're wrong. We must protect the purity of poutine at all costs.
TL;DR In honour of National Poutine Day, we bring you the 9 worst, most heinous crimes against our beloved national dish: the poutine. For a meal so simple, people are exceptionally good at screwing it up, and we're here to call them out.
1. Gravy Not Hot / Curds Too Cold
If the gravy isn't hot enough to melt my curds, I am not a happy girl. Also, if your curds just came out of the fridge, your gravy doesn't stand a chance. So, essentially the issue here arises when my curds don't melt. Duh.
2. Anything Other Than Cheese Curds
Obviously. I need not elaborate on this cardinal sin.
3. Anything Other Than Hand Cut Fries
I don't want your tots, wedges, or crinkle cut nonsesnse. Get out. Hand cut or death.
Especially if you try to serve me a poutine that uses GREEN BEANS INSTEAD OF FRENCH FRIES EXCUSE ME WHAT PLANET ARE WE ON?! Just, no Shannon. No.
4. Only One Layer Of Curds / Poorly Planned Poutine Ratio
Just like nachos, poutines require care when being assembled. There is a proper ratio of fries: gravy: cheese curds, and if even one of these ingredients is over- or under-represented, the whole ecosystem is jeopardized. So if my cheese curds are simply sprinkled on top of a pile of fries, I'm gunna be reeeeal disappointed.
5. Anything Other Than Poutine Sauce
While dark brown gravies are acceptable, poutine sauce reigns king. So don't be adding any of your weird cheese sauces or vegan attempts to recreate the real thing. Also, no roux. Merci.
6. Dessert Poutine
Need I say more? Okay, I will: barf.
7. Too Many Toppings
Can you chill?! The perfect poutine doesn't need to try so hard. Sure, I understand the desire to get a little pulled pork in the mix, but leave that shit to La Banquise. Most places need to just focus on getting La Classique right, let alone adding more toppings into the mix. Take a deep breath. There are three ingredients.
Clearly Christina, above, acknowledges this abomination is fit only for dogs.
8. Poutine Too Fancy
This dish was not made for the haute monde, and we like it like that. Gimme that five-pound mess of fries in a dinky little styrofoam container with a plastic fork (just kidding, gimme something biodegradable pls) and I'm a happy girl. Keep your foie gras.
9. Weird Poutine Abominations
Like I've been trying to imply throughout this whole list, poutine is a simple treasure, not to be messed with. So when you start inventing things like Poutine Burgers and Chicken and Waffle Poutines, you let the magic of simplicity get eaten up. Literally.
Again, deep breaths. You have one job... Put the three ingredients in a bowl and walk away.
As RuPaul would say, DON'T fuck it up.