12 Montreal "First World" Problems Everyone In The City Lives With
Life can be so hard sometimes.
Let's face it, life is tough. All over the world, people are dealing with strife and difficulties that make all of us seriously question our existence. But some have it much worse than others. With various wars raging, water shortages, and disease outbreaks happening around the globe, we are pretty fortunate to live in the comforts of our "First World" and really have nothing to complain about.
That said, what would we do with ourselves if we weren't bitching about something. On any given day, Montrealers face adversities unique to this city that we can't even. Here are but a few of them.
Running Out Of Beer At 10:59 pm
It's a Friday night, or a Saturday night, hell it could even be a Sunday night for that matter, and you're chilling out at your crib, having a ball, getting your drank on when you suddenly realize you're on your very last beer. No problem, just hit up the dep real quick....Check the time: 10:59. Fuck.
OPUS Card Won't Scan Through Wallet
It's rush hour, you are caught in a hectic stream of people chugging along toward the turnstile, just looking to go home asap, and your up. You casually whip out your wallet to tap it on the magical magnetic pad, proceed to push through, only to get rudely halted by that stupid red light. Thanks to the hundreds of other chip cards in your wallet, the scanner is not reading your OPUS card and you're forced to physically take it out of your wallet. Ain't no one got time fo dat.
No More BIXI's Left At Your Station
It's a beautiful day out, the bus is hot and stuffy, so why not do your part for the environment, and get a little exercise in at the same time, right? You skip on over to the BIXI stand at the corner and as you approach it, you are not seeing any visible signs of wheels, or handlebars, nothing. The BIXI stand is completely empty.
Or even worse, you come to return your BIXI after a long day of cycling around the city, only to find that there is not a single available dock left to park. Awesome.
No Rights On Reds
Driving around, you're obeying the various rules of the road. Fully stopping at stop signs, like a good Canadian, giving pedestrians and such the right of way because you polite like that. Then you get to a red light at an empty intersection, you diligently look around to make sure there are no oncoming cars, but then remember you can't turn right on reds in Montreal. Darn it.
Salt Stains On Your New Shoes/Boots
It's wintertime which means snow, and ice, and slush. While it used to be that slipping all over the place was the problem, then someone had the brilliant idea to spread salt on all that shit. Smart move, but they clearly never considered the calcium consequences on our footwear.
The Underground City Is Too Hot But Walking Outside Is Too Cold
Winter in itself is a first-world problem, so Montreal built a whole heated Underground City so that we could escape the throws of Mama Nature, and avoid things like salt stains on your shoes, for example. So there you are casually strolling through the network of shops and tunnels, but burning up with your woolly hat, and gloves, and thick winter coat etc. So you head outside to cool down. But it's fucking cold outside, because outside it's -30. You can't win.
The Guy Giving Out Free Newspapers Outside The Metro Is Too Pushy
It's early Monday morning, you woke up late and didn't even get a chance to down your caffeine fix. The only thing running through your mind is not snapping at the poor person unfortunate enough to get in your face. Along comes the guy who's just trying to do his job and handing out free informations to read on your commute. What an asshole.
Can't Shop Online At Urban Outfitters/West Elm/Pottery Barn/Etc.
God bless online shopping. Literally thousands of consumer goods from all my favourite brands, all from the comfort of my jammies. Actually going into the store to buy shit is so 2009. I can find everything I need by just conveniently going online, except wait...what's this? Website not designed for Quebec shoppers!? Tabarnak.
They Won't Let Me Bring My Own Alcohol Into Jazz Fest/Picnik/Igloofest/Etc.
One of the best things about living in Montreal is the plethora of outdoor festivals and events that happen year round, right? The only thing better than a huge party outside is the ability to drink outside during said festivals. I'll just pack a little six-pack in my bag here and enjoy the festivities...What do you mean I'm can't bring my own beer? What do you mean I have to spend $10/beer at the bars on-site?? What the crap?
Food Trucks Are Mad Expensive
It took a while, but Montreal finally lifted their ban on street food and now we have a fine selection of gourmet and delicious nibbles to sample while enjoying our favourite things. I would totally try them all, but yea, i'm not made of money unfortunately. Do you do half portions?
Not Enough Snow For A Snow Day
It's the middle of January, winter's frigid temperatures have got us tight in its grasp. It dumped another 30 cm overnight and it's still snowing like crazy. I can't even see my car parked outside anymore. Yes! Maybe I don't have to go to work today! Oh ya, the city of Montreal handles snow removal so well that's there's never enough snow to call a snow day. Save me Jebus.