The 10 Commandments Of The City Of Montreal
The Sieur De Maisonneuve would be so proud.
While these may not have appeared on ancient stone tablets to be discovered by a bearded man (in fact, we're pretty sure that they were found under ruins between the Crémazie and Sauvé metro rails, written on a brown St-Viateur Bagel paper bag) their purpose remains the same.
Behold, what follows below are the ten commandments of the 514:
1. Thou must hate all things Toronto.
The 416 is a foul land, a mere attempt to replicate the uniqueness of the island. Though imitation is the most sincere form of flattery, poorly-produced and pretentious flattery is extremely disrespectful and is to be regarded contemptuously.
2. Thou shall consume poutine regularly.
Bagels and smoked meat sandwiches are also accepted. In fact, they should be a part of one's nutritious and complete diet. However, do stay away from New-York styled bagels and fake Italian pastries - they are foul and should never be consumed.
3. Thou shall brave relentless winters with constant complaints.
The most honourable way to pass the cold season's course. An individual who does not ever complain from the cold is either an alien or Russian.
Photo cred — Steve Rukavina
4. Thou shall try not to speak ill of the STM.
And thou shall fail miserably. Trying implies a slight will to not utter any foul words. However, one is permitted to stop trying after the 2nd interruption of service of the day (which will most likely happen before 8am).
5. Thou shall speak English and French.
The fleur de Lys for the French settlers; the flower of Lancaster for the English settlers; the thistle for the Scottish settlers; and the shamrock for the Irish ones. Since no individual should be found unable to communicate, you will have to learn a bit of both.
6. Thou shall blindly follow the Habs.
Every year is the THE year. There will be no denial of this. There will be no loss of hope.
7. Thou shall politely suppress lascivious thoughts when passing a gentleman's club.
...and gentlelady's clubs as well. Alas, one may find it difficult to begin with, but practice makes perfect. And there will be lots of practice. Lots.
8. Thou shall perform a yearly pilgrimage to Mount Royal's Cross
One can only bear the name of Montrealer if this sacred journey has been completed. However, if one finds himself or herself incapable of performing this pilgrimage, one can have a picnic on Beaver Lake grounds and 'call it a day'.
Photo cred —
9. Thou shall not refuse an opportunity to jay walk.
Street lights are only to be used by vehicles with wheels. Pedestrian-shaped lights are only to be respected by children under the age of 12. If a fellow city dweller invites another to cross on a red light, it is a sign of friendship, and must never be turned down.
10. Thou must turn up.
Picnik, Osheaga, Igloofest, Oktoberfest, random Tuesday nights; there will be no accepted excuse for 514 residents. All occasions are good occasions, for when the city is quiet, it becomes more like its disliked cousins: Québec city and Toronto.