Photo cred - Ben Johnson
Let’s be real, Monday after Saint-Patty’s Day is possibly the worst Monday of the year. Recovering from day drinking with the Irish nutcases downtown takes its toll on your liver. Ain’t no reason to rush back into the office after that blackout bender. However, calling in sick after big drinking festivals like these can be tricky. Flat tire, menstrual cramps, migraines and food poisoning are way too overdone. It will take a certain amount of finesse to pull this off successfully.
General tips include being as specific as possible and using facts either of your own or your friends previous experiences so that you may embellish as necessary. As they say, the devil is in the details. Also, your reason for staying home should be one that makes sense for you to miss a whole day, possibly a few days if you play your cards right. The most important factor in keeping up a good lie is to stick to your story at all costs because if you believe it so will they.
Here is a list of excuses to help get you out of work this coming Monday so that you're free to get wild on Sunday.*
Photo cred - Sina
1. The Sex Injury Excuse
You don’t need to specify a sex injury, just imply it. “My partner and I were, um, moving furniture last night and I think I sprained my hip.” “I pulled my hamstring yesterday and literally can’t walk. I was, well, it’s sort of embarrassing, my boyfriend was, well we were…” and trail off. Make them uncomfortable. Stress the awkwardness in your voice, and emphasize your inability to walk. Tell them you want to stay home to recover as you don’t want to injure yourself further causing you to take additional sick days. If they ask why you didn’t go to the hospital say it’s too painful but you promise to go tomorrow if it gets worse, giving yourself the option to call in sick Tuesday too. This excuse works best if you have an old injury that people know about. “It’s my damn knee again.” A little limping for the rest of the week and not a soul will doubt the authenticity of your injury.
2. The Pet Illness Excuse
Faking your own illness or your child’s is way too cliché. But don’t be afraid to use that creative energy of yours; a pet illness is where you can let your imagination fly. If you don’t have a pet, make one up. You could probably invent an animal illness and who would even know? Google extreme pet abnormalities. The possibilities are endless. What works best about this routine is that you’re appealing to their sensitive side. The best option here is to refer to the same animal your boss has, and if they ever dealt with pet issues just snowball off that. “Remember last year when your dog was having seizures? Well, I’m pretty sure that Gyro just had one. I’m taking him to a vet and won’t be able to make it in today. Do you have any advice?” If you do it right you’ve laid the groundwork for all future sick calls. “Sorry Jim, have to get Frodo’s anal glands drained again, won’t be in for our meeting today.” Poor imaginary Frodo.
3. The Car Accident Excuse
I would shy away from this one, but if you’re in a pickle it might just work. The key is that you want to be as extreme as possible. The flat tire or general mechanical issues aren’t good enough. You need to go all out, full accident mode. Google images of trashed cars and show them to your boss. Hell, take the bus to work for the rest of the week even. Buy a neck brace. Wear it with pride. Get deep in this lie and pretend to take calls the rest of the week with the insurance company. Do whatever you need to do to make it real. Just make damn sure your Sunday binge was worth all this effort.
4. The Pest Problem Excuse
You want a few days off, here it is. Pests. Boom: you now have bed bugs. You found one when you woke up this morning and when you called your landlord they said they would send an exterminator as soon as possible but asked that you stay home to let them in. Explain that it’s probably for the best anyways that you don’t come in as you wouldn’t want to infest the office. This excuse is another long haul one as for the next few weeks you'll need to keep up the appearance that you're dealing with these terrible creatures. It requires constant complaining about the laundry you're now forced to do, and how you may need to buy a new mattress. But it works well because they will practically beg you not to come in if they think there's a chance they could catch them too. You're basically doing them a favor by staying home. Great success.
5. The Allergic Reaction Excuse
Food illness is too risky and should be avoided at all costs. Better to go with an allergic reaction like a bee sting. Say a hornet made its way into your house and stung you in the middle of the night. You need the day off because your whole arm is swollen. This works well if you have a desk job and as you won’t be able to type/answer phones all day. Also don’t say you're going to the doctors, instead say you called the emergency room and they told you to only come in if the swelling increases or begins to block off your airway and in the meantime to take a Benadryl. I would be careful when back at work to wear a long sleeve shirt so they don’t see how normal your arm is, and be sure to rub it as though subconsciously when you notice them looking. Don’t embellish this one too much, the simplicity and unusualness of the excuse is what sells it.
Photo cred - Franco
6. The Heart Attack Excuse
Finally, if you’ve used every excuse in the book, and the hangover is just too much for life, then this is for you. It’s dramatic but I feel like you’re a dramatic person. Text your boss super early “having a heart attack, at the ER won’t be in today.” Then don’t answer your phone for a while. After lunch call them and apologize for worrying them and explain (in a slightly embarrassed tone) you woke up with chest pain and took a cab to the hospital, only to find out it was just a panic attack. You would be very surprised how often people go to the hospital for this. Definitely brush up on panic attack symptoms because they will ask for details in their concern for you. Here’s the best part, tell your boss the doctor said it was probably brought on by stress and suggested it may be from a heavy workload. After this, anytime you are at work and your boss asks you to do something you aren’t up for, just grip your chest and whisper “the tightness is coming back…” Evil, but gold.
*If you're in a pinch IBS and exploding diarrhea will work just fine, I just think we should aim to avoid sentences like "it's coming out of me like lava."