Alright, let's just cut to the chase: poutines are amazing. But they're also kind of terrible for you. No worries, though, that just means you've got to keep the poutines to a minimum, and only let the truly amazing ones into your life.
But how can you tell what a truly amazing poutine is? Aren't all poutines kind of awesome? Yes. They absolutely are. But there are a few ways to tell the good from the great. Friends, read on for A Good Poutine VS. A Great Poutine.
1. A good poutine has melted cheese; a great poutine has squeaky cheese curds.
Any good poutine will be filled with gooey, stretchy, yummy cheese. And, honesty time, it doesn't really matter the type of cheese. Mozzarella? Great. Feta? Why not. Vegan cheese? Sure.
But do you know what a great poutine has, my friends? A great poutine has those chunky cheese curds; the ones that retain their shape despite being melted down by that thick, molten gravy. And if the cheese don't squeak? Then it's not a great poutine. Move on. Find your cheese curd soulmate.
2. A good poutine just has ingredients; a great poutine melts together in harmony.
Straight up, if your poutine's ingredients don't meld together like the One Ring disintegrating into the fires of Mount Doom, then it's time to move on. Alright, that was a bit of an exaggeration. In reality, temperature is probably the most fickle beast to slay in your quest for the perfect poutine.
It can't be overly hot, so that the cheese and potatoes melt together in a sort of awkward cheese gravy stew. It definitely can't be cold, so that the cheese curds remain unmelted and you've ended up with a weird "cheese curds, gravy, and fries" hybrid non-poutine dish. It has to be somewhere in the middle.
If your poutine can hit that sweet spot where the cheese melts, the gravy is hot, and yet it still looks solid enough to dig into? Then you can stop. Because you've hit greatness.
3. A good poutine has fried potatoes; a great poutine has thick, yummy french fries.
A good poutine has crunchy fries that crisp in your mouth and give a good amount of resistance when you dig your fork into it. Alternatively, a good poutine can also have those mushy, soft fries that melt in your mouth and give way to delicious potato goodness.
But what does a great poutine have, friends? I feel like you already know. A great poutine has those thick, not-too-crispy, not-too-soggy, solid french fries. The ones with the skin still on them. The ones where you get a crunchy corner bit every once in a while; a soaked, greasy one every once in a while; and pure potato heaven every other time. If these are your fries, then you're in luck: you've got a great poutine on your hands.
4. A good poutine has sauce; a great poutine has hearty, smouldering gravy.
Sure, you can add any sauce to poutine and call it gravy. And it'll still be pretty good, as long as the temperature's on point. But I think we all know that in order to elevate your poutine from 'good' to 'great', you need that thick, chunky chicken gravy. And you need a lot of it.
No, not enough to drown your cheese and fries baby in a chicken-stock grave - but enough so that everything is equally smothered in the goodness. And enough so that the cheese melts to a perfect temperature. Good? No. Great.
5. A good poutine makes you feel full; a great poutine makes you feel loved.
Like a warm hug from your mom back home, a great poutine will fill you with warmth and happiness. Also calories. But mostly warmth and happiness. A good poutine might fill up your stomach, but it won't fill up your soul.
That's what a great poutine is for - and at the end of the day, the poutine that puts a smile on your face is the greatest poutine of all. So, friends, go forth and dig into your next poutine. Just make sure it's a great one.