Cover photo cred - Lora Mathis

You enter your nearest dep and you’re crunched for time. The predrink started two hours ago and if you don’t hurry all of your friends will just head to the party without you. Or, even worse, you won’t have nearly enough time to get crunk’d before you head to da club. In a mad frenzy you head straight to the wine section (your trying to be classily –trashy this evening btw, hence the wine) with no regard for any human life that stands between you and your bottle. Atta girl.

Upon arrival you stand awe-struck at the vast selection of inebriating liquids gleaming before you. Reds, white, or rosé? Which to choose? Well red makes your lips look like a wino and rosé is only for the indecisive so you go for white.A solid colour choice. With only your wallet in mind you grab the cheapest bottle and bust a nut outta there.

Wrong move, bro.

While I truly respect the need for frugality there are many other factors to consider when choosing your wine/drank of choice. To the classy: taste, year, region, and bottling method can make or break a covenant between one’s liver and an alcohol. That is not us. To the simple functional alcoholic only two more factors must be considered for the optimal drinking choice: price and size.

Recognize/analyze/memorize the diagram below. Something I refer to as the Wine Trifecta:

On the top of the triangle we have the most important element, alcohol percentage. Sure the bottle you grabbed for uber-cheap may be affordable, but, what’s this? Only 8% alcohol percentage?! Blasphemy! We’re much more hardcore than that.

Following in importance is price. Some bottles may rank high on the alcohol chart but will cost ya a pretty penny. A certain amount of trash must be imbued into class so maintain the rule that any wine purchased (at least if it’s fueling a night of debauchery and not a classy dinner party) cannot be above 13-15 dollars. ALWAYS take price into consideration. No one likes to get ripped off right? Plus more money saved means more money to buy drinks lata. Forward thinking alcoholism!

To make or break many a decision is the size/fluid content of a bottle. You may have a 11% bottle of white that’s only 9 bucks, but it’s only 750ml! An informed consumer would buy the 1L bottle that’s only a dollar more. Use your head...to shut it up with alcohol to the optimal level.

In summary, the equation is as follows:

Alcohol Percentage + Cost + Size = Optimal Drinking Choice!

Now this helpful hint doesn’t solely apply to wine. Use it any time you gotta buy some social lubricant on a budget. Just be sure, next time you’re in a rush, take time and look to the triangle.

Got a drink that hits the golden ration of the wine trifecta? Let us know in the comments below.

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