Almost no one has their shit together in Montreal. Still, that doesn't stop us from wanting to seem like we've got all our lives in some form of order. And it doesn't involve much work at all.
Inspired by a next-level hilarious Buzzfeed article, we decided to make a Montreal-centric list of tricks to make your friends think you have your shit together, because taking random internet stuff and throwing in some 514-flair is what we do.
So whether you're having your friends over for drinks, dinner, or just to chill, if you want to impress them with how much you have your shit together, use these (arguably) clever tricks.
Get all the ice off your f*cking staircase.
Not only will this ensure your guests can safely enter your place without slipping to their doom (thus avoiding any potential lawsuits), you'll also impress them with your shit together-ness before they even get inside.
Clear out some f*cking entranceway space.
Nothing says "look, I have my shit together" like space on your trendy coatrack for your guests's winter apparel. Same goes for their boots.
Don't worry if you just crammed a bunch of crap into your closet to make room, because it'll save you from the judging stares you'll get if you say "just throw it wherever there's room" when someone asks where they can put their coat.
Have a bag of Fairmount f*cking Bagels on the counter.
Filled with a few you kept in the freezer, thawed a bit before your pals arrive, for the full effect.
When you enter the kitchen, and they notice the bag o' bagels, nonchalantly say how you picked them up fresh this morning, making it seem like you do it all the f*cking time, because people with their shit together do that kinda stuff.
Open a bottle of wine you got at the dep, and just say it's from the SAQ.
Recount the story in detail, noting how you asked the SAQ guy what would pair best with whatever the f*ck you're eating, and how you didn't even mind spending a bit more on "quality stuff."
Then proceed to smell the wine before sipping on it, like a true "got my shit together" douchebag.
Mention how you hate living next to students.
Even better if you actually are a student, mainly because you're saying how you're so much more committed to going to bed early, being productive, and all that other junk people with their shit together do instead of partying on Wednesdays and getting up at noon.
Don't even talk about your cheap as f*ck rent.
By now, your friends are obviously impressed with the "I have shit together" atmosphere your apartment emanates, which will no doubt lead to the rent question.
Just brush it off with an "Oh, I don't even remember anymore" because you set up automatic rent payments like a real adult. Not only will you seem hella responsible, but you'll propagate the illusion of living in a really expensive place even though you only pay $300/month.
At one point, offer some f*cking real maple syrup.
You don't even need to even ask them if they want it with something maple syrup usually goes with, simply let it be known that you have some 100% Quebec-made real maple syrup hanging around.
Why? Because real maple syrup costs quadruple the amount of that Aunt Jemima bullshit and alludes to your sophisticated tastes and flavours. Of course, never actually use the syrup in the bottle and avoid spending that much on syrup ever again. Keep it forever to retain the illusion you have your shit together.
Pickle some shit.
If Portlandia has taught us anything, it's that anything can be pickled. Pickling shit does takes some time, so if you truly don't have your shit together to the point that you can't follow a recipe, just put some snacks in mason jars and it'll have the exact same effect.
Hell, mason jars as cups works too.
Get a bowl, put some f*cking fruit from Jean Talon Market in it.
A near-direct pull from the original article, I know, but it's true, for whatever reason fruit in big bowls just makes an apartment (and its owner) seem legit af.
Alternatively, you could get the fruit at Atwater Market, or even f*cking Provigo, just say it's from some farmer's market to add another layer of shit-together-ness.
Make some f*cking coffee with beans from [ENTER LOCAL CAFE HERE]
Make sure its one of those small, trendy cafes everyone knows of but still talk about it like its some big hipster secret. Be sure to throw in how you make sure to always grab your morning espresso there every morning, because people with their shit together don't drink drip coffee.
Extra points if you talk about the "flavour profile" of the beans, and just say some random bullshit.
Have a copy of Cult MTL laying around.
Your read-all-the-way-through copy of Cult (make sure your crinkle the hell out of it) will make you look hip and cultured in the yuppie kind of way. Obviously don't mention you read MTL Blog, lest you seem like you have the same interests as a 15 year old.
Ensure it's on your coffee table, or otherwise in line of sight of your guests. You could grab a regular newspaper, but that would make you seem stuffy, and you'd run the risk of someone knowing its a farce.
Pack some of 'dem Quebec beers in your fridge.
The weirder the bottle or label, the better. It'll make you look like some f*cking beer aficionado, whose taste buds are too refined for that Molson shit. Be sure to actually say that, if you get the chance.
Get some f*cking air conditioning.
I have never, not once, lived in a Montreal apartment that has air conditioning, nor have I been to a friend's house equipped with AC. Maybe me and my posse collectively don't have our shit together, but if your pals are anything like us, having some AC will blow (pun!) their minds and utterly convince them of the fact that you're a fully functional adult.
Put your signed Habs jersey on the f*cking wall.
Sure, it's the same old ratty jersey you got signed when you were eight, but as soon as you put it in a frame on the wall, you look like an artsy well-to-do individual who just happens to love the Habs, like any good Montrealer does.
Get a f*cking condo
Pretty much a trump card here in Montreal, because if you can afford one of those new trendy condos that seem to be popping up everywhere, you definitely have your shit together.