It's apple picking season, at the moment, but cherry poppin' is all year round. Whether you swiped your v-card way back when, or still have it tucked away doesn't really matter. Odds are you've had these questions roaming your mind at one point. You can either think back fondly to that period of your life or feel reassured that you're not the only one. Because, truth is, you're not. There is no shame in being a virgin. However, there will be some shame if my mother reads this article. Hi mom.
1. What if it doesn’t fit?
I'd seen sex on tv and in porn, heard about it in music and from friends. I knew that the penis vagina combo works, I did. That doesn't mean it wasn't hard to conceive sometimes. I mean, it's not exactly spacious down there and that thing grows. I was just... sort of... baffled?
2. Should I bring the condoms?
At the time I didn't really know the etiquette (spoiler alert: I still don't really know). I used to worry that having a condom made me either seem easy or eager and the latter just wasn't acceptable.
3. What size should I get?
It's not like I could know before I... y'know, knew. And I realised that there's an average size but what if he wasn't average? What if he was bigger or smaller and it slipped or broke and I had a meltdown caused by onset pregnancy and an array of STIs after which I would name my first born. I always did like the word Chlamydia. It seems silly now, but when I was a virgin these were things I spent an embarrassing amount of time thinking about. I remember wondering if they sold boxes of condoms with different sizes so you could be prepared for the "d" and the "D".
4. What am I supposed to say after?
I had watched enough TV to know not to say "thank you", at least.
5. What am I supposed to say before?
My body is ready???
6. Jesus, what am I supposed to say during?
"Will the dirty talk come to me naturally?" "Should I just shut up if it doesn't?" "How important is it?" "Is it OK if I'm not a talker?" All questions I had but had no real answers to.
7. Is it sexy if I moan like that?
I absolutely did not record myself moaning on my own for more thorough analysis.
(ps: I sound phenomenal)
8. How do I know if I’m any good?
I'd read online or heard people say that guys are just happy to be doing it and you can't really be bad at it, at the beginning. And I'd just be like: "That sounds fake but ok." Because I was riddled with insecurities! I was a virgin and I didn't know what to do and how to do it right.
9. What if I can’t make them orgasm?
It was petrifying. Guys kind of get a free pass because it is said that it's harder to make a girl *insert confetti emoji here*, but the same can not be said for a man. Which had led me to conclude that if I wasn't able to take him there, I was definitely doing something very very wrong.
10. Should I practice hip motions?
I did. It was awkward for everyone involved. (ie. me; that was the awkward part.)
11. Should I sleep with a friend for practice?
Things were getting dire.
12. Just how much does it hurt?
Rationally I knew it couldn't be that bad, I wasn't going to be the first person to lose her virginity and in the short span of time that I was alive I hadn't heard any truly tragic horror stories. Fear plagued my mind nonetheless. In fact, what really had me worried wasn't the actual pain that may or may not occur, but how uncomfortable it would make the situation for my sheet buddy. Which was absolutely ridiculous of me even more so than referring to him as a "sheet buddy".
13. Is it really worth the hype?
It's probably overrated anyway. (??) Right?? No. It isn't, past-me, it isn't.
So there we go. I've exposed myself and now feel more naked than not and it has nothing to do with the fact that I'm not wearing pants. The moral of the article is, virginity is cool and no virginity is also cool. It's the in between that can seem scary as fvck but really isn't.