Photo cred - Karel Chladek
Come on, girls! It's time to admit it. I know we don't like to be exposed, but we need to share somethings. Some of you might be upset, but some of you will have a good laugh.
It's no shame at all. Both men and women do embarrassing things. So why not have some fun and talk about it?
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Thank God our mirrors cannot speak. Can you imagine if they could? How many times have you arrived home from a party where you kissed a hot guy and danced in front of the mirror? Or when you went to the Montreal Fashion and Design Festival and the mirror was your audience while you made sexy faces in front of it? We all know we love a mirror. They listen to us, they watch us dancing, posing, crying and they never, ever judge us.
It's true what people say about Social Media. But the best aspect of it, is stalking the new guy you've met at the Tam-Tams last Sunday. The FBI is nothing compared to you. You know all his family (parents are still married, live in Outremont and he has two younger sisters), his two dogs (a Labrador named Jack and a Pug named Lucy), you already like his best friends and hate his ex-girlfriend - a blond, skinny bitch. So next time you go out, you will have all this information as a bonus.
You are at a house party in the Plateau with your friends. Now picture this situation. A friend of your friend invited some guys to come over. You are all at the same place and are being introduced. What's the first thing that crosses your mind when meeting each and everyone of them? "Cute!", "Hmmm... no. Too hairy!", "Fuck! He's hot!", "OMG what's this haircut?" and it goes on and on. There's no shame at all in doing this. Men do the same. The first thing you notice in someone is their looks. It's inevitable. After that, you will get to know them and then you will see if you like their intellect or not.
The Google Translator
Jonathan is the cutest, hottest, most adorable guy you've ever met in your life. Both of you were waiting in line at Centre Bell to buy some tickets when you first saw him. Tall, blue eyes and... french. You watched the show together and it was easy not to say a word. Every time he said something in french you laughed and agreed, having no idea whatsoever of what he was saying. This is just an example of what happens thousands of times in Montreal. Being a bilingual city, we never know who speaks french or english. Some people don't speak both, and it's the Google Translator who helps with all the texting.
Poker Face After Flowering*
It happens to all human beings, girls. I know we should have been dismissed from this burden, but we also fart. And it's funny (not to say sad) that we usually need to "exhale roses" when we're in a group of people or on a date. Usually, we manage to go to the washroom but sometimes it's impossible and... it happens. Bomb has been dropped. So now what? The first few seconds we usually wait to see if someone will notice. If they do, we put on our best poker faces and start pretending we don't know where that disgusting smell is coming from. We're also usually the first person to say, "OMG who farted?!" Maybe it's better to go easy on your Five Guys.
The Sleeping Over Mafia
All girls do the same at a certain age. We all tell our parents we're sleeping over at a friend's house when we're actually going out with some guy. The problem is when all the parents on the West Coast already know of your scheme. When the first girl is caught, all the other ones start making new plans and new schemes not to be busted by their parents. It's beautiful how creative we can get, girls. It's even more interesting because we don't seem to care much about anything else.
Hate at First Sight
How many times have you met another girl and instantly hated her? You wouldn't tell your friends, but you know that deep inside you feel nothing but hatred. Why? You don't know. Maybe it's her fake hair or her clown make-up. Or maybe it's because she's popular and everybody loves her. Ugh. How could they? It's stronger than you, that girl is your ultimate enemy. (And she doesn't even know that.) You hate her even more every time you go to La Mouche and all the guys only pay attention to her. That's it. That's when you know she will ruin your life.
There are two sides of the same coin. One is when you go out on a date. You eat like a princess, don't order dessert and keep saying how you wouldn't be able to finish everything. "It's too much for me!" You spend all night long with your date and with your stomach, howling. As soon as he drops you at your place, the coin is flipped. Monster! Thank God you live close to La Banquise, right? You go to that line like a lion chasing its pray. "A large traditional poutine to go, please!"
How much do you love underwear promotions? 7 for 25$! Sounds perfect, right? Yeah. You go there, you buy those goddamn underwear just to watch them fail you later. How many times did you have to secretly deal with underwear shoved up your butt? The damn thing just won't stay put. You start thinking that maybe you should have bought a bigger size. You also start dreaming about the day that Chapters will no longer be Chapters. Just give us Victoria's Secret already!
Dry Shampoo Hairstyling
Taking a shower is good, is awesome. Washing the hair everyday? Not so much. Specially if you have a super long hair. No, no way. It may not be very good, hygienically speaking, but it's too much trouble. In fact, washing your hair everyday is not good for the hair. So why can't we leave it be for let's say, 3 days? There's no problem there! Winter time is even better, no one will notice. But how can we go out with a greasy hair? We can't! That's why we use our dry shampoos to make our hair look recently washed and beautifully styled.
For more Montreal and personal insights, follow Roberta on Instagram @Robbie__Wayne