Photo cred - Shaheed Finn
*Written in response to 10 Frustrating Things That Will Happen When You Move In With Your Boyfriend
Flowers are red, violets are blue. You’re cool, but how do you have so much stuff?!
If you haven’t noticed yet, guys and girls are different, but it is never more apparent than when looking at how we live compared to them. Sure they smell better, always remember to put the toilet seat down, and their capacity to retain important dates far exceeds our own, but moving in with your old lady is a big step and not without its pitfalls.
It’s lovely that you've finally decided to share your space with your better half, but brace yourselves fellas, winter is coming.
The Bathroom Takeover
Fact - Girls have a lot of stuff. Within hours of moving in together, if it hasn’t already happened, your medicine cabinet will overflow with a plethora of her stuff. It, along with any available counter, floor, and wall space will now be entirely dominated by makeup, various moisturizers, strange creams, and other “feminine products”. So unless you're immune to the stank eye she’ll send your way when she needs to get ready, probably best you brush your teeth at the kitchen sink and shit outside from now on.
You know that afternoon you’ve been setting aside all week to marathon your favourite shows like The Walking Dead or catch up on the most recent season of 24? Well you can forget about that. She doesn’t particularly care for senseless violence and noisy action sequences and has replaced your carefully curated DVR list with episodes of Say Yes to the Dress. (Wtf is Say Yes to the Dress!?)
Unnecessary Trinkets and Other Oddities in Pink
Fact - Girls love pretty, shiny things. They can’t help it, and they have no problem hoarding their various trinkets and keepsakes to the point where you will just have to learn to love them if you ever hope to survive. Sure, you have done just fine up until now without the need for scented candles, accent pillows, and ornate picture frames, but a bit of advice, better start liking the colour pink quick-fast.
Bye Bye Beer
Don’t get me wrong, girls love their beer too, but they also like to stock the fridge with other frivolous things like fruits and vegetables, sensible meal options, and fancy bottles of wine. Wine, which I might add, you are not allowed to drink. It’s for the dinner party you’re hosting tonight that she may or may not have told you about.
Sexy Time Becomes a Matter of Perspective
Alright, so the honeymoon phase is over and that’s fine, because you’re in for the long haul, right? You don’t stress about things like showering every day and manscaping anymore because who you trying to impress? But realize this, she has also hit that plateau and gone will be the days of sexy outfits, perfect makeup, and provocative lingerie once you’re living together. Your lady is comfortable now, so if you don’t find her food-stained baggy sweat pants, granny panties, and sloppy hair-bun incredibly attractive, well that’s really your problem isn't it.
No Leaving Dirty Clothes and Dishes Piling Up
Blasphemy! How will you know if you live there or not if your clothes and dishes are not left to fester for a least a few days before cleaning them up!? Okay, so it’s expected that when you live with someone, you will tidy up after yourself so as not to leave a mess for the other person. Fair enough, but the problem is that women are invariably just as guilty of this sin if not worse, just that you won’t notice it as much as they do.
Privacy Becomes More of an Abstract Concept
If you are at the stage of moving in with your girlfriend, you probably don’t need me to tell you that sharing is caring. You share food, you share feelings, hell you even share Wi-Fi, but one thing you will also be sharing is your sense of privacy. In fact, you should probably forget that word exists entirely. Once you live together, there is nowhere to hide and she is always watching. Needless to say, your jerking off habits will be frowned upon.
Your Cool Guy Stuff Will Get the Shaft
Up until now, no one has judged your awesome collection of Tarantino posters or that cool machete you hang over the TV. You’re a dude and dudes should have spare random street signs they filched with their buddies hanging around, but your lady will not be so keen and will organize herself to make them disappear. She needs the room for her trinkets (see #3).
The Implied Subtext
Moving in with your SO means different things for men and women. Men see it as an opportunity to be more efficient about spending time together, splitting bills, and the added benefit of guaranteed sexy time. While they definitely don’t miss the awkward walks of shame leaving your pad in the morning, sharing a love nest for women is more than just a place you both keep your stuff. It is generally a stepping stone to a much bigger picture. You may not be thinking that far ahead, but she usually is.
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