Photo cred - Shawn Kristofor Bennett Photography
The cinema masterpiece Zoolander first challenged the world's mind by stating "there's a lot more to life than being really, really, ridiculously good looking," and while Derek may be right, it sure as hell makes everything better when you're model-level beautiful. Life's just a lot more fun when you're a living god/dess of physical perfection.
Living life in the beautiful bubble is an experience not many can understand, because, well, they're just too fugly. At times, it can be trying, 'cuz you stand out like a sore thumb midst all the plebian-faces, but you can use that to your advantage and have some fun with your good looks.
Montreal is a city full of pretty people, so if you qualify as ridiculously good looking here, then you're definitely a major league hottie. To make sure our pretty-population stays high, we're gonna give you beautiful people some tips on how to have some extra fun in the city with 10 things to do in Montreal if you're ridiculously good looking.
1. Run/Work Out/Bike Outside
Don't cage your beautiful face and body in a gym! Let the whole world see your sleek physical form do its thang with a run up the mountain or some pull ups at an adult jungle gym. Stares and drooling will be abundant as sweat makes your godlike physique glisten, plus you might inspire some normies to hit the gym too.
If you're going to be biking on the street, zooming past cars and buses in your godlike glory, don't be surprised when a trail of destruction follows in your wake. But don't feel bad, its not your fault drivers can't keep their eyes off you (instead of the road) and proceed to crash into all sorts of things.
2. Troll Tinder
You never get swiped to the left, so why not use that to your advantage? You naturally photograph like a model, so your profile is probably the hottest thing most people see in their day, meaning you can say slutever that fvck you want, to anyone, and they'll probably put up with it in hopes you may actually hook up with them. Of course, you won't, because you're a ten and you don't go for anything below double digits, but when you're bored you're bored, so why not?
3. Go To Any All-U-Can Eat
People probably always ask you how you maintain such a hot bod, which you usually respond with eating right and good exercise, though they probably just think you never eat. Prove them wrong while making everyone envious by going to an all-you-can-eat. Watch in amusement as fellow eaters gawk in awe at your reasonably sized plate and become even more irked when you stop eating simply because you're full. You may get a fork flung at your eye out of jealousy, but its not your fault you were born beautiful with some willpower.
4. Look Sexy @ Piknic Electronik
Sun, dancing, and alcohol, Piknic Electronik was made for young and beautiful people, but you, being ridiculously good looking, obvi stand out among the rest. Still, this seems like you're natural habitat, so you have free reign to show off the goods without anyone being able to call you out. Wear a skimpy outfit showing off your ASSets and reap the benefit of people offering you drinks and substances...hopefully not both at once.
5. Go to Any Party MTL Blog Photographs
You're ridiculously good looking, which means its your duty to spread your beauty across the land. You only have one face, so maximize your exposure by getting snapped in pics that will go online for everyone to see. FB albums are too small-time for you, just make sure you aren't tagged in any of our albums, 'cuz you'll probably get more FB stalkers than you're used to, which probably already a lot.
6. Wink or Smile at Randoes on the Bus/Metro
If an ugly stranger smiles at you while on public transit, you're automatic response is "What the hell are they staring at!?" When a beautiful person does, you auto-smile back and your day is made more magical because you think maybe, just maybe, they thought you were cute too. Spread some joy to people who aren't as fortunate as you, just get ready for tons of Craigslist missed connections citing you as the "bombshell on the bus who noticed I exist."
7. Any Bar/Club With A Super Long Line
Being ridiculously good looking, you don't spend time in lines. Bouncers and club owners want you in their club, sometimes even willing to pay. Irk the common folk by heading to Apt. 200 right at midnight on a Friday (or a similarity packed place), walk from the back of the line all the way to the front (so everyone turns their head and notices your sexy self) and calmly walk to the front while the bouncer just lets you slide right by those poor fools who need to wait. Not only will you enjoy an intense power trip, you don't even need to deal with the backlash (the bouncer will) because everyone "gets it."
8. Tan at Tams
Taking off your clothes in public is usually a problem for you (riots may ensue) but Tams generally has enough people already tanning that you can get lost in the crowd...mostly. In the sea of flesh, a few will miss you, but those in your direct vicinity will definitely get all hot and bothered. Use it to your advantage and say things like "God I wish I had a joint/beer" and wait for the free goods to roll in.
9. Photobomb Tourists
Montreal is already a beautiful place to document, but the addition of your stunning features will make a photo to truly remember. Chill at the Mount Royal observatory, by a few murals, or chill around festival grounds to get in the background of tourist photos. They may not catch you at first (for shame!) but once they upload the pics, you won't be missed. Just don't be creeped out/surprised if they frame the picture and put it on their mantle.
10. Busk/Perform in the Metro
Even if you have zero musical talent, you still stand to make some good money. You're talent is being ridiculously good looking, and its about damn time people give back to the concentrated prettiness you've been giving out for free since day one. Put out a hat, stand there, and you're done. Don't be surprised if an STM employee asks you to stop, as the gigantic crowd formed is causing a safety hazard.
For more on all things Montreal, follow Michael on Twitter @MDAlimonte