Office Holiday parties are danger zones of awkward smalltalk and inane conversations, at least in general. Not all offices have shitty festive jams, but the vast majority of cubicle tanks don't throw a good party. To get you threw the holiday party season, here are some definite no-nos of party etiquette.
Do Not Come Without An Exit Strategy
Before you even arrive, have a way to get outta there. Always assume the worst when it comes to office holiday parties, because you never know how awful/awkward/alcohol-less it can be. Plan ahead just in case with a well timed alarm, a friend calling in, or sudden family emergency. Hopefully you'll have no need for any exit strategy, but there's always the option.
Do Not Go Sober. You Will Regret It
Staying dry at an office party is sensible, but is far from a good idea. Without work to unite you and your coworkers, there's nothing to facilitate conversation or cut the awkwardness of social interaction. What the hell do you talk about with people your forced to associate work because of work, without work to be done? That's where the social lubrication of alcohol comes in. Maybe don't go hammed, but a light predrink won't hurt, especially if there's no drank at your office jam.
Do Not Dress Up Like A Sexy Santa/Anything
Holiday parties are not meant to show off your midrift or your man/lady-lumps. That's Halloween. Dressing up sexy for an office holiday party just screams desperate. I mean, if you look like you wanna get banged by someone you work with, it makes it seem like you have no other options. Even if that's true, don't let your coworkers know.
Do Not Give A Dildo As A Secret Santa Present
Secret Santas are tricky business. You may not know a thing about Steve from accounting, other than his love for cat-pun posters (and you can't bring yourself to buy one of those), so the option of a joke sex gift pops in your head. It'll be a laugh, right? Wrong. The room will go utterly silent as Steve unwraps the phallic gift and unveils his brand new black dildo, with Jenny, the good Christian girl secretary, shooting you hateful looks. You deserve it, sinner. Play it safe and just get a gift card.
Do Not Hook Up With A Co-Worker
Worse than dressing sexy is the desperation you'll exude if you're activley hitting on someone you work with. Maybe you've had a whole Jim-Pam thing going, and this is the night it all 'cums' together. Super cute, except for the fact that this isn't a one-on-one date, its a party with everyone else you work with. Everyone will know, both of you will look a little slutty, and you'll be the hottest topic of the office. Exchange numbers and just save it for a holiday booty call after the party.
Do Not Try To Smoke Weed With ANYONE
Not knocking the bud here, only in an office-party setting it's probably not the best of ideas. For one, if you propose the idea, you're proably gonna get a ton of moochers who want to get smoked up. Cool, now you know who smokes in your office, but now you're wasting a solid gram on a quarter of the party. Worse, if these folks ain't regular smokers, or can't handle the weed-booze combo, you may get a bunch of paranoid and/or sick weirdos on your hands afterwards. If ye be fiending, take a toke before or casually go for a smoke without alerting the whole party.
Do Not Tell That Racist Joke You Think Is Funny
Yes, some racist jokes are funny, and, yes, some are genuinely offensive. You just never know which camp someone is going to place your joke. Best case scenario: you get a laugh, but you've incepted the office into thinking of you as a potential racist. Worst case scenario: a painfully awkward silence and someone telling you "that's so not okay." Both aren't too great, so just save your funnies.
Do Not Try To Sing A Sexy Christmas Carol
Different from simply dressing sexy, the frequent failure of the sexy Christmas carol involves a literal song and dance, with the results potentially disastrous. You may think its going to play out like "Jingle Bell Rock" a la Mean Girls, but you're rendition of "Santa Baby" is probably closer to something out of RuPaul's Drag Race. Don't force it on your coworkers, who will have to sit through the whole thing, painfully smiling, and pretend like they liked it afterwards.
Do Not Try To Steal Food To Take Home With You
Most office parties have a pretty good spread of food. To make up for the grueling hours you put in, your boss and the company splurge on huge amounts of finger foods, desserts, and hopefully alcohol. A quarter of it is eaten by the end of the night, and you are overcome with the urge to take it all home with you. Now, this is the sensible thing to do (starving kids in Africa and all that), but you won't look to classy. There's something about nabbing mini quiches and stuffing them into your purse/hidden tupperware that screams desperation. You can usually avoid the bad image if you just ask where all the food/drinks are going after the party, and if the answer is the garbage, you'll look like a saving grace rather than a creepy hobo.
Do Not Give Your Boss A Rusty Trombone
I know, I know, seems like the perfect thing to do at your holiday office party. The thing is, it doesn't go over as well in real life as it does in your head. Seriously, coming from personal experience, its bad times for everyone.
Got a hilarious holiday do NOT do? Did we miss an essential no-no? Let us know in the comments below!For more holiday witticisms and general hilarity, follow Michael on Twitter @MDalimonte