Photo cred - Homework and Coffee

If you've ever stepped foot in a coffee shop, you'll know what I'm talking about here. From a Mile-End hole in the wall to a downtown Second Cup, you can bet money on seeing at least one of the following types of people while waiting in line.

The French Person Throwing a Fit Because The Menu Isn't Bill 101-approved

Because, you know, the English "latte macchiato" was in bigger font than the French "latte macchiato".

The Sweater-Punk

This is a new term I made up.

The Sweater-Punk nearly always haunts the Plateau, Griffintown, or the McGill ghetto. Like a hipster, but with more aggressive tattoos. They have one or more of the following: hiking boots, gauges, dyed hair, an arts degree, an undercut, and a jean jacket with pins.

Now that fall is here, they've retreated into their thrift store cardigans and chunky infinity scarfs - hence my term, sweater-punk. Pass it on.

The Barista Whom You Have This Awkward Exchange With

- "Hello bonjour."

- "Um, can I have a medium Americano to go?"

- "Oui, c'est tout?"

- "Et ce biscuit aux brisures de chocolat."

- "Yeah, that'll be $5.30. Cash or card?"

...I'm sorry, what language were we speaking?

The Stressed University Student

They spend 10% of their time madly typing on their laptop, another 5% of their time staring blankly at a textbook, and the remaining 85% of their time Snapchatting friends about how "omg, i have no time, i'm so going to fail" etc.

The Parent With Kids

Maybe it's because I'm a cheap asshole who wasn't indulged enough as a child, but it hurts me to watch kids eating a 3-dollar artisanal muffin followed by a 6-dollar milkshake. They're kids, yo. Most are happy with a $0.50 freezie from the dep.

...oh my god, I definitely am a cheap asshole who wasn't indulged enough as a child.

The Skyper Who Has No Idea You're Creeping On Their Conversation

You're right in front of me, plus your skype convo is full screen. Wear headphones if you don't want me to get swept up in your epic retelling of how your slacker brother got fired for smoking weed on the job, for the second time in a row.

Photo cred -thebeccawilliams

The Hipster Girl Hoping for a John Green Novel to Happen to Her

... she just Instagrammed her latte art, pulled an old second hand novel out of their leather satchel, and the only thing left to do is to stare wistfully out a rain-streaked window; they're basically swept up in their personal indie movie.

Photo cred -geewhy

The Bro in a Snapback Who Buys A Canned Drink

Who, in Montreal, goes to a coffee shop to buy something they can just get from a corner depanneur? This bro.

Photo cred - Thesilein

The Old Guy

Shout out to my favourite people. If there's one old guy, he's reading the newspaper. If there's two, they're playing chess. Usually Italian, but not always.

Photo cred - Hans-Jörg Aleff

The Coffee Freak Who Practically Lives There

The Coffee Freak is everywhere in Montreal. He/she is there in a corner every time you come in, with a cup that's always around half full. No matter if you're there for a 8 AM wakeup cup, or a 1 PM post-lunch boost, or a 10PM sugar hit, this person is there.

How? Why? What the fuck? Where are they coming from? What do they do? One of the ternal unsolvable mysteries of Montreal.

If you're also a weirdo about Montreal culture and humour, find Sijia on Twitter (@chuffystilton) or on her tumblr.

Looking for more? Click here for 15 Montreal Coffee Shops That Will Help You Cure Your Weekend Hangover >

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