Photo cred - littlecupofrandom
While waiting in line for your overpriced
pumpkin spice latte cappuccino, it's easy to get annoyed with the people in the coffee house around you. From the person shouting on their phone and hogging tables, to the one holding up the line, here are the ten Montreal d-bags you'll run into at your local Starbucks.
1. The One Who Doesn’t Know What To Order
We’ve all seen this slack-jawed, doe eyed, coffee newb standing at the counter with a mixture of wonderment and fear. Despite the fact that they're in their mid-thirties and living downtown, they’ve (apparently) never ordered a coffee before. The idea of a mochachino, frappucino, or something else that ends in “ino” seems to scare them, and they didn’t know coffee could come in more than one roast. Although you don’t hate this person, you do wish they’d crawl back to the coffee-less pit they crawled out from or, at the very least, go to Tim Horton’s next time they need a caffeine fix.
2. The One Who Orders The Most Difficult Drink
If you think this guy’s picking something from the menu, guess again. This denim wearing, tuque sporting, glasses toting, flannel loving asshole is ordering a drink from the super secret underground Starbucks menu neither you, or the barista, has ever heard of. Ten to one this douche bag lives in the student ghetto, attends an art or literature program, and wouldn’t know a good cup of coffee if it scalded them.
3. The Ones Who Can’t Speak English And French
An infuriating combination of people, this cluster fvck is what happens when someone from the East end meets someone from the West Island. Regardless of who’s serving who, these two will hold up the line as they pretend they can’t speak both English and French. This battle usually ends is either an innocent bystander helping facilitate the transaction, or a shouting match that gets everyone’s attention. Maybe Starbucks should invest in a tabletop menu people can just point to…
4. The One Who’s Not Spatially Aware
If you had a nickle for everything this idiot’s knocked over, or bumped into, you’d be able to buy back the $5 coffee they spilled all over you. This individual, compensating for either an overflowing backpack or a babybjorn, doesn’t seem to understand what it means to cohabitate a space with other human beings. This spacial genius probably grew up outside of the city, in a small town like Saint-Clet or Alexandria, and now that they’re around other humans they don’t know how to function like one. Fantastic.
5. The One Who Pays With Loose Change
You can hear this patron rattling from a block away, as their loose change turns them into a human maraca. You’re willing to bet your soul on the fact that this person lives in the student ghetto, buys their clothing from secondhand shops (or at Urban Outfitters because, let’s be honest, it’s not easy to tell the clothes apart), and works a shitty part-time job that they hate more than showering. If it wasn’t for the fact that they’ve been counting dimes for the last five minutes and trying to use discontinued pennies, you’d actually feel sorry for them.
6. The One Who Takes Up All The Tables
This inconsiderate s.o.b. has McGill or UQAM written all over it. A single person at the last table for four, despite there still being a few tables for two available, this asshole helps reaffirm just one of the reasons you’re losing faith in humanity. Despite the fact that you and three of your classmates are there to work on a project, which this inconsiderate waste of space can clearly see, they’re not going to move for you and you’ll have no choice but to crowd around one of the tiny round tables and pretend to be comfortable while shooting this jerk angry glances for not moving.
Photo cred - Gregory Thiell
7. The One On The Phone
This loud-mouthed asshole really helps set the mood while you gently sip your latte from an adjacent table, or wait patiently in line behind them. Normally this is someone who’s spent their whole life clawing to command other people’s attention and endowed with a sense of entitlement, also known as a Westmount native. You can find them dressed in either a business suit or something with leopard print, while shooting angry glances at people who overhear their obnoxiously loud conversation.
8. The One With The Music
Trying to enjoy the soft, dulcet tones of Starbucks’ pretentious indie music? That’s too bad, because this Skrillex loving jackass, who looks like he's walked out of a Verdun ghetto, has other plans. Despite the fact that they’re wearing headphones, they’re blasting their music so loud that you and everyone in a fifteen foot radius can hear it (probably to compensate for their rapidly diminishing hearing), even if you don’t want to. Although everyone’s asked them to turn the music down, they’re too inconsiderate (and deaf from dubstep) to do anything about it.
9. The Purist
Wearing converse, an oversized sweater, and a jacket that looks like it was pulled off a homeless man, this coffee “aficionado” has come in off the streets of the Plateau to lecture you on your coffee choices in the middle of a Starbucks. Dressed in styles made popular in the ‘90s, this coffee purist will make you feel like shit for wanting to order anything that’s drenched in whipped cream or full of flavoured syrup. But because they’re a hipster hypocrite, the second you look away you can find them stealthy sipping a pumpkin spice latte while preaching about social injustices.
10. The Gaggle Of Girls
Coming from hell itself or, more accurately, any major mall in the West Island, this group of girls is enough to send you over the edge. A group at least five pre-teens in size, they’re loud, obnoxious, all order the same thing, and then all complain about how what they ordered was too sweet. They’re all dressed in matching Uggs, leggings, Canada Goose jackets, and all have the same tacky blonde streaks in their equally straightened hair. They look like every girl you’ve ever seen in the popular clique in high school, and stand for the dark side of consumerism. If you could throw them out, you would, but for now you’ll just settle for putting your headphones on and pretending they don’t exist.