In a city where everyone seems to be busy on Saturday nights, it's hard being that one person who prefers to stay in. To you, weekends are for catching up on work, eating toast, marathon-ing Netflix, and wearing your pyjamas for 48 hours straight. You like that you live in an exciting city, but more out of your local pride than out of a genuine desire to stay there all night, every night.

There may be a wild and exciting world out there, but honestly, you're content to let it stay where it is - out there. Sometimes you're boring, and that's okay.


1. The STM night bus routes are meaningless numbers to you, because you never take them.

358, 356, 364 - there are 365 days in a year, and  you need those buses for like, 0 of them.


2. This conversation:

"Montreal has the best restaurants in Canada!"
"Yeah."
"Its nightlife is ranked first!"
"Mmm-hmm."
"Wow, look at this list of cool bars I just found! Why don't we check them out tonight?"
[non-committal grunt]

4. Your romantic life is as bare as a non-downtown metro station at 12:29 AM

Either that, or you've been dating the same person for the past century. When people come to you with relationship problems, you rapidly bullshit up a reply using movie quotes and GQ articles you flipped through once at the dentist's office.


5. No one understands that you honestly don't have an opinion about Arcade Fire.

Well, yeah, they're okay.

You wouldn't change the radio station, but that's it.


6...nor do they understand why you have no opinions about Impact, the  Montreal Canadiens, or the possibility of the Expos coming back.

You can sort of, maybe, sometimes, muster up a bit of vague enthusiasm for the local sports team.


7. You feel annoyed when friends drag you to hip coffee shops like Myriade or Le Cagibi.

What is an espresso bar? What is a macchiato? Why is everything so over-priced? Would they stop playing indie folk over the speakers? What's wrong with a cup from Timmies? You order a small coffee and count down the seconds to your escape.


8. You only speak one language. All your friends also speak one language. You are fine with this.

You don't even see this as a struggle.


9. You have to come up with a lot of excuses to avoid nights out with your Montreal partying friends.

"No, I can't come out because I have to get to work early tomorrow."
"No, McGill/Concordia/UQAM midterms are coming up."
"No, my cat has a late-night vet appointment....in Laval."
"No, my dog also has a late night vet appointment....also in Laval."
"My weekend is really going to be filled up with vet appointments, sorry."
"...um, what do you mean, 'I know you don't have pets?'"

10. You're actually running out of good excuses to avoid nights out with your Montreal partying friends

"No, my grandma has Ebola."
"My entire family has Ebola."
" have Ebola."
"I have E-hola [pause]...spending tonight hanging out with my Spanish amigos."

11. You've been living in this city forever and you're still directionally challenged.

You rarely exit your favourite comfort zone. Your geographic knowledge of Montreal is terrible. When tourists ask you for directions to Champ-de-Mars, or Chinatown, or even Ste-Catherine sometimes, you shrug and awkwardly decline.

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