Unless you're living under a rock, you know that the Osheaga Music and Arts Festival is happening in Montreal this weekend. If you're lucky enough to have a pass, or even a day ticket, you know that it's going to be an unreal weekend. I don't think I need to hype it up any more - Osheaga is incredible and we all know it.
But there's one thing you may have forgotten about Osheaga weekend - and no, its not how good the poutine there is. It's the bros. Yes, all the dudes - and I don't mean this as in, 'Ladies! Cute boys will be at Osheaga!' I mean, there will be bros; certain interesting and humorous characters you are bound to run into at some point.
If you think I'm being ridiculous, trust me, I'm not making this up. There is, in fact a community of Brosheaga Bros. Yes, Brosheaga - there's even a social media hashtag dedicated to this very word. While that might destroy your faith in humanity, we can't ignore the fact that the Osheaga Bros exist, and they are not going anywhere. So, brace yourselves, and find out how to spot a Brosheaga member from a mile away.
1. The Super Bro
Who he is: The Super Bro is the most abundant and powerful of the bros at Osheaga. He has all the elements of a typical bro, magnified to a higher degree.
Characteristics: He'll be rocking some form of snapback hat with a sports team logo, paired with a muscle tank - the deeper the side cut-outs, the deeper the Bro. Budweiser, PBR, or some other form of mediocre cheap beer is his drink of choice.
Where you'll find him: Chilling closer to the back of the crowd, hanging with his fellow Brosheaga posse. He'll probably have a prop of some sort; like some kind of inflated toy or a water gun, and he'll be hitting people with it - don't say I didn't warn you.
2. The Bro who's just there for the music, man
Who he is: He's not interested in making friends, he just wants to seriously connect with the lead singer of Foreign Diplomats. He has a favourite band that he's seen at least five times before, and he will be seriously annoyed if you get in the way of his view.
Characteristics: Profusely sweating, always. Shouting the lyrics very loudly and screaming things like, "Play one from the last album!" You can probably hear him complaining to his friend, "These people aren't true fans." Also, he's willing to push you out of the way when he's dancing hard to his favourite jam, so beware.
Where you'll find him: Right at the front, pressed up against the barrier, dancing furiously. He definitely has a backpack on with all the supplies to last a day, so he doesn't lose his spot.
3. The small-town Bro
Who he is: He's really excited to visit the big city of Montreal, and has been looking forward to this day all year. He arrived early and got some sightseeing in before heading to Osheaga, and was blown away by how crazy and crowded the Metro was on the way there.
Characteristics: Because he's always prepared, he definitely brought a bucket hat and some SPF 60. His small town taught him some solid values, so you won't find him shoving anyone or being rude to his fellow crowd-goers. Him and his small-town crew have all coordinated Hawaiian shirts and cargo shorts, because you know, the dad look always seems to work for them.
Where you'll find him: Doing some friendly head bobbing to his favourite band with his tall can of Rolling Rock in hand. Or, if you're lucky, you'll encounter this kind bro enjoying a poutine near the food tents, because they don't have that delicacy back home.
4. The flower child Bro
Who he is: Think that 'bro' and 'flower child' can't happily coexist? You clearly haven't met one of the more unique dudes in the Brosheaga crowd; the hippie bro who's just ready to connect with nature, do psychedelics, and have some serious life chats with his new soulmate. He's just there to let the music fill his soul, dance like no one (everyone) is watching, and expand his mind like never before.
Characteristics: May be wearing any and all of the following: a flower crown he stole from some drunk girl, a strange patterned shirt from Value Village, his dad's old fanny pack, a combination of random bandanas, and, without fail, Birkenstocks. He might be sporting flash tattoos or be blowing bubbles - you know, just trying to spread the love.
Where you'll find him: At one of the more random, secluded stages, dancing uncontrollably to a band he may or may not know. If he's not connecting with the music, he might be hanging out at one of those chill zones in the forest area of the festival, lying back on a bean bag chair and contemplating the meaning of life.
5. The way too f*cked up Bro
Who he is: No explanation needed - you know this guy, you've seen this guy at every major event, and you've probably been this guy at some point. He's done. He's just way too drunk, and he needs to go home. It's hot, it's 4:00 p.m., he's sunburned, and he needs to find his friends.
Characteristics: Sweaty. Stumbling. Wearing a random assortment of clothing that may or may not be his. May be missing a shoe. Shouting random things like "KANYE!" even though he's not headlining this year. Carrying a can of PBR that's been empty for half an hour.
Where to find him: Honestly, if you find this bro, he might need your help. If you're up to the challenge, bring him to a central location, and try to find out where his friends are. The one fact about way too f*cked up people: they can travel surprisingly fast, so he may be 5km away from where his friends last saw him.
6. The condescending Montreal hipster Bro
Who he is: Don't cross the Montreal hipster, or you'll get a glare hotter than the midday Osheaga sun. Stay out of his way, because he needs a good shot of Half Moon Run's performance on his film camera for his portfolio. He's likely annoyed by all the basic people that attend the festival, and can't believe what mainstream society has done to our youth.
Characteristics: Herschel backpack, nondescript Urban Outfitters top, jean cut-off shorts, and Ray-Bans. Sound familiar? This bro walked right out of the urban coffee shop to the festival grounds, and if you look closely enough, you can see the moustache tattoo on his middle finger.
Where you'll find him: Trying to get close to the stage because he really loves the band, but looks like he detests the crowd and the screaming around him. You might notice him looking over at his hipster bro best friend, rolling his eyes and casting judgmental glances at fellow concert-goers. Ugh.
7. The V.I.P. Bro
Who he is: He may or may not actually know someone in the band, but either way, you'll find out about it. This bro has definitely bragged to you at some point about his connections, and how he scored a backstage pass because of all the people he somehow knows in the industry. He's definitely better than you, in case you were wondering
Characteristics: He may be a little more dressed up than many of the other festival attendees - think a button-down shirt and jeans in 30-degree heat. This bro will definitely have a cool, calm, collected aura to him, an attitude that screams "I don't have time for you, because I'm trying to meet Future."
Where you'll find him: Actually, you won't, because he's probably backstage, or at least trying to sneak to the side of the stage to snap a pic of some random DJ, so that people think he was super V.I.P. You might also see him taking photos with his GoPro of him and his other V.I.P. bros sharing a bottle of Ciroc. Party on, bros.