Photo cred - .sl
Fans of the amazing (yet short lived) sitcom Happy Endings will be very familiar with the concept of “the break-up window” and how it directly applies to the impending “holiday” that is Valentine's Day. Those who don't know what I'm talking about, go on Netflix and start watching Happy Endings, becaues it's amazing. Fine, I give in, I'll explain.
“The break-up window” is a term used to describe the amount of time one has to break - up with their significant other before a major holiday or event, like V-Day. When V-Day is only a couple days away, the window is closed, because only a horrible person would break up with someone right before the one day of the year that being in a relationship matters.
There is a solid 11 days before V-Day, the window is open, but only a crack, and let's be real folks, V-Day is just as much about showcasing what's wrong with your relationship than it is what's great about it. Don't get stuck spending V-Day with someone basic, you're better than that, but just be sure to get on it before the window closes, because again, the ethics of relationships forbid you from being “that person.”
Of course we're not telling you to break up with your SO, I'm sure you two adore each other, but some of us are actually in shitty relationships, and we're better off alone. To make your impending breakup go much more smoothly than any you've had before, here are some legit breakup scenarios and Montreal locations that are sure to ease the blow.
The Cafe Breakup: Café Chat L'Heureux (or the other one)
172 Duluth E
Any cafe is a solid spot to end it with your soon-to-be-ex. Public, while being quiet, you can maintain a level of intimacy without having to worry about the break-up-ee from causing a huge scene. Plus, the whole “let's get coffee” already implies you have something to talk about, so they'll probably be emotionally prepared anyway.
So what exactly makes Cat Cafe Montreal any different from one of the many other cafes around Montreal? Well, the answer is in its name, because even if you're partner takes it really hard, they can be placated by some pussy...cats. Being with/petting animals is a proven way to relieve stress, so use that to your advantage. Best to avoid if you're breaking up with a dog-lover, or just head to a Doggy Cafe.
Honorable Mention: Cafe Neve, because their cookies can heal even the most broken of hearts.
The Brunch Breakup: Engaufrez-vous
8 Rachel E
An odd break-up scenario, because if you're getting brunch you most likely slept over with your SO, but this could work to your advantage, because they'll never see it coming. Now, most brunch places are super busy and packed with yapping brunchers, making it not-so-ideal for a breakup, as your ex will easily be able to yell/cry/cuss you out without anyone being the wiser.
Instead, opt for a quieter brunch venue like Engaufrez-vous. Small in size and adorable in every way (from the food to the décor) your ex will feel super bad about disrupting the serene atmosphere. Besides, no one can really be THAT sad when they've got a waffle in front of them. No one.
The Poutine Breakup: Chez Claudette
351 Laurier E
A true Montreal breakup classic, the poutine breakup works on so many levels. Affordable, decently speedy, and you get a poutine out of it, this is maybe the only option where both of you may walk away happy, because the post-poutine effect is food coma-tastic euphoria. To note: don't go to busy spots like La Banquise because the noise level is too high at all hours of the day (to avoid a screaming match) and avoid more basic poutineries like Belle Pro, unless you want to make your ex feel incredibly worthless, which is not cool because you're already going to break up with them and that'll probably already make 'em feel shitty.
A happy medium is Chez Claudette. Not only does the name (specifically the 'Chez') provide the illusion that the place is kinda fancy, but the atmosphere is calm and serene enough to ensure a screaming match doesn't start. Most important of all, Chez Claudette makes a mean poutine, in many different varieties, so even if you and your date get miffed at each other, you'll still be able to devour your feelings with a poutine.
Photo cred - fitzroymtl
The Bar Breakup: Fitzroy
551 Mont-Royal E
Sometimes you need a couple drinks to work up the courage to end things off, or you need to ensure your upcoming-ex has a light drunk coat on before you drop the rainstorm of "we need to talk" on them. Of course, this can be a bad move, because at times (or quite often) alcohol only makes a breakup that much worse. Alcohol may be a loaded gun when it comes to breakups, but bars themselves are pretty solid venues for ending things. With a fun vibe and people around, your ex-SO can even have a good rest of the night after "the talk," and meet someone new if they so choose.
Montreal has tons of bars to choose from, but our choice for the ideal Bar Breakup spot would be Fitzroy on Mont-Royal. Decorated to look like a home (same designer as Apt. 200) Fitzroy is inherently comforting; the decor provides the illusion of being in your private abode while having the safeguard of being in public. There's also popcorn and billiards abound, so if you guys end things nicely, you can work out the awkward tension with a friendly game of pool. Just try to go during the week, as weekend Fitzroy action is far from intimate.
The Fancy Dinner Breakup: Maison Boulud @ The Ritz Carlton
1228 Sherbrooke W
Bringing your relationship to an end at a fancy restaurant is a double-edged sword. Your date may get incredibly excited you're finally treating them to a romantic night out, only to have their hopes crushed by a breakup, thus leading to many an awkward moment. Or, on the positive side of things, they'll appreciate the gesture and understand that, though you don't want to be in a relationship with them anymore, you still care enough about them to take them to a magical meal of fine food. The latter is kinda unlikely, but it could happen.
If you're going to go this route in Montreal, and you have the funds to do so, then you might as well go big and hit up Maison Boulud in the Ritz Carlton. Arguably the fanciest restaurant in all of Montreal, your date will be highly impressed, which could overcome the whole breakup thing. Hey, at least they got a dinner at the Ritz out of it.
The Chocolate Breakup: Cacao 70
2087 Rue Ste-Catherine O + 1310 St-Catherine E + 3485 Parc
What's the one way to lift anyone's mood, regardless of race, gender, or creed? Chocolate, of course. Seriously, chocolate has serotonin boosting properties, so even if you have the worst break up ever, some cocoa-based treats will definitely lighten the mood for both of you. Montreal has tons of chocolatiers to choose from, though you're going to want to hit up a sit down place, and while Juliet et Chocolat is the obvious choise, we'd say you go with Cacoa 70 is the better Chocolate Breakup choice. Good ol' J&C has too genial an atmosphere, whereas Cacao 70 is a bit more down to earth, making the whole breakup process fit to your surroundings a bit better. Just make sure you both have hot chocolates in hand before you start.
The Cocktail Breakup: Le Mal Nécessaire
1106B Saint Laurent
A variation of the Bar Breakup, the Cocktail Breakup is a bit different, and not only because of the beverages you're drinking. Grabbing cocktails is a bit more date-y, and is definitely a more flattering way to break up with someone, showing them you at least care enough to take them somewhere with good drinks than a dive bar. Again, note the potential pitfalls of alcohol during a breakup.
Most cocktail bars are decently intimate and quiet, providing you with good grounds for having the ol' breakup one-on-one with enough other people around to provide some buffer, but Le Mal Nécessaire is our choice, mainly for the drinks. Creative and interesting, each cocktail is an experience in itself, and so when your soon-to-be-ex looks back on the breakup, they'll probably remember how good their cocktail-in-a-pineapple was, rather than the breakup itself.
The Movie Breakup: Cinema L'Amour
4015 Saint Laurent
Okay, folks, here's a suggestion that will guarantee your breakup won't be awkward, only because any tension between you and your then-SO will be superseded by you two being in a sex theatre, surrounded by a cabal of creepers. Any other movie theatre would be a bad place to breakup, I mean, what're you going to do, end things during the opening credits and awkwardly sit through the rest of the film? At least at a porn theatre like Cinema L'Amour you can talk during the film (who cares about the plot, am I right?) and leave whenever you want, because you already know how the movie will end...with fluids. Also, this will be quite the memorable breakup, so you'll likely be remembered as "that girl/guy who broke up with me at Cinema L'Amour" more than anything else.
The Metro Breakup: Lionel-Groulx Station
For all the cowards out there who can't handle a second of confrontation, here's a break-up scenario for you: the metro station breakup. Berri-UQAM is the obvious choice to do the break-up-and-dash onto a metro line, but the station is always flooded with people and you have to go to different levels to access different lines. That spells an awkward situation if you head to the green line, only to see your ex solemnly (or furiously, or happily if they already hated you) trailing behind.
Lionel-Groulx is the better option, if you're going to go this pretty douchey route, as both levels have a Green and Orange line on either side. You probably already know which side your no-longer-partner is going to take, so even if you aren't heading to the Green/Orange line, you can still avoid any potential awkwardness by just going on the opposite line, then heading back to Lionel-Groulx after a stop. Again, this is probably the worst of all break-up scenarios and we don't recommend it unless you want some seriously bad relationship karma, though that's nothing compared to the next option...
The Text Message Breakup: Just Don't Do It
Otherwise known as the Facebook break-up, or the Skype end off, the action itself remains the same: you are too much of a little bitch to actually break up with someone to their face, so you do it via text/IM/email. First of all, grow a pair. Second, don't be surprised when something like this happens to you as a result, because no one stands for a TMB.