Photo cred - Olivier Pontbriand for La Presse

There are lots of weird, fun, and potentially dangerous things to be had on Kijiji. And since “Canada’s Craigslist” has yet to have had the rep-damaging slew of murders the real Craigslist had, there’s still lots of fun on Kijiji. The site has recently closed their “personals” category, but don’t fear. There’s still the odd “casting couch” post, a range of massages, and plenty of goats, horses, cats, and rabbits, all depending on your budget. These ads are 100% real so if you want the item, feel free to contact the seller!

"Massage"

One look at this masseur’s page should indicate what’s up. This masseur offers “a couple of hours of total relaxation [to] provide a burst of energy not only for a day or week, but also for life.” “Through massage the muscle cramps are removed”. “Today you can feel better and gain confidence in every word and action”. Kijiji link

Sax-for-Sax

This Alto Sax player had messed around enough and was looking to step up to a Soprano Sax. Sax-seeking-sax action is always hot, especially since Kijiji recently shut down “personals”. Although this sax-player’s sax-hole has already been filled, this was probably the most hilarious, niche, and least murder-y Kijiji post I found. Kijiji link

Tom Cruz-ing

Kijiji is also a haven for questionable requests. This Moriarty is looking for an “elite community of intellectuals (i.e. Eyes Wide Shut)”. So, if you know of any private gatherings in which people “share eachother’s…And talk about anything else. Places where only handpicks are allowed,” let our guy know. Maybe this is Donald Sterling’s liaison in Montreal. Kijiji link

The Must Love Old People

Old person friend! If you like old people, or just want to be a great person, this job is about being a friend and companion to a woman with Alzheimer’s. 3-4 days a week from 8-5. The job is simple: chat w/ her, take a walk, go to dinner, coffee, the grocery store, etc. Applicant must not have a criminal record, must live in Rosemere, and must own a car. Must not be allergic to cats or dogs. Kijiji link

The Elderly's BFF

This person would be a great match for the above job request. This individual is offering “companionship for the elderly”. This individual says they are friendly, nice, talkative, understanding, clean and discreet. He says he can teach and prepare Moroccan specialties like homemade tagines, couscous, etc. He says he is a master of computer tools, cooking, and cleaning, happy to serve at any time! Kijiji link

The Selfie With Plenty Of Cleave

This young lady is looking for part-time or full time work in a restaurant or bar. No doubt the pic is meant to highlight her, err, assets. Kijiji link

The Casting Couch

Let's be honest, in a weird Kijiji post, this is what we’ve all been waiting for -- “the original” Montreal casting couch for an adult entertainment company. Looking for “female talent”-- “Very good money to be made”. Must be 18 or older. Kijiji link

The Probable Murderer

Young man between 18-40 wanted to work in “luxurious hotel”. “Send photo”. ಠ_ಠ. Murder rating: 5/10 Kijiji link

Art Charity

Vision514 is a truly imaginative Montreal charity. They are looking for painters who are eager to give one or two paintings to charity. Vision514 allows donors a painting of their choice in exchange for canned foods, toiletries, and garments. As an artist, this is a great way to do something meaningful, and simultaneously get your name and art out in the Montreal art scene; lots of big name artists are donating too. There’s a chance others will like your art and offer to buy it! Kijiji link

Call the Past!

Have spacetime-bending fun by calling phones from 1925 that probably haven’t been hooked up to their defunct infrastructure for over 50 years! These are two collectable telephone books from Calgary and Edmonton, dated, 1925 and 1926, respectively. Both are in excellent condition and will be sold for $50 separately, or together for a better price. Time Travel Warning: You may be catapulted back in time, a la, the Weeping Angels in Doctor Who. Kijiji link

Side of Beef

Ever wanted to reenact the meat locker scene from Rocky, but with a sanitary and anatomically correct sculpture side of beef? Then -- boy -- do we have a piece for you. A side of beef was cast in fiberglass, and this is the result! -- And the last known survivor stalks his prey in the night!!! Kijiji link

Hardy Har Har

Remember when an Ed Hardy hat would cost you like $200 and your dignity? Pepperidge Farm remembers. And so should you, it was like three years ago. Anyway, here are six Ed Hardy hats, perfect condition, for a whopping $15 dollars…and your dignity. Kijiji link

All Aboard the Tan Train

Stud hunt! This “tanned young man” of 27 is looking for a friend to go to the cinema, get coffee, have discussions, etc. Or they're looking for a tanned young man, I'm not sure. Kijiji link

Voltaire the Horse

Need a good horse? This chestnut mare was born in April 2010; his father is Viva Voltaire, known for its talented foals (and attacks on the Catholic Church). These foals are known for jumping and gait aptitude and she works in all three gaits. Price: $15,000. I told ‘ya it was a good horse. Also there are two other warm bloods for sale, a pouiche and a foal born in 2012. Kijiji link

James Bong?

Missed connection for John Bond. Perhaps this John used a pseudonym, or perhaps this Kijiji poster misremembered his name. Perhaps, and I think likely, she had a passionate, tryst-y, run-in with the spy who loved me. Kijiji link

Alpacas!!!

Here are some excellent Alpacas for sale. This breeder offers good alpacas as a competitive price. The alpaca market is highly competitive, don’t ‘cha know? All the alpacas are registered (simple or double), excellent conformity, and have good genetics. Many have won awards. Prices vary according to age, gender, color, and awards. These breeders will assist you w/ the alpacas for as long as you need. -- Discounts on buying 2+ alpacas. Kijiji link

Will you be replying to any of those ads? ಠ_ಠ

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