As a young professional, dating can get quite impossible. Think about it. It requires time, effort, enthusiasm... We need to actually step out of our comfort zone and meet people at bars, cafes and other social places. It's extremely time consuming.
That's when I knew I had to find a way to "fish" for dates in the most time efficient way possible. Tinder! Of course, it's so easy. All it takes is a few swipes and voila! You have a date.
I'm quite familiar with Tinder date horror stories, but I figured it's what you make of it. So I installed the app and started to swipe away. I have to say, it was really fun in the most superficial and ridiculous way there is. I thought that the best way to judge a book is not by its cover, so I tried paying more attention to profile descriptions. Although, I'm going to lie if I say that I didn't judge my potential dates by their looks at all.
I got quite a few matches, but none of them really caught my attention... until I stumbled upon Jake's (let's call him Jake) profile. He was somewhat handsome, a few years older than me and just 4 miles away. Great! What does his description say? He likes exotic travel destinations, Italian food, good music and meditation. I thought, "Ok, I like these things too. Let's give this a try."
We started to exchange messages and soon enough he asked me for my number. I stopped and thought for a moment, "What's the worst that could happen? If anything, I'll have a good story to write about." I had no idea how good of a story it was going to make just yet.
Jake called me and we spoke on the phone for some time. Things were going pretty smooth. He was funny, witty and confident. Just the way I like it.
After texting back and forth for a few more days, he asked me out to a dinner date. Jake suggested a nice BYOB restaurant and we agreed to meet there the next day.
I didn't have any crazy expectations for this date neither was I particularly nervous about it. I picked up a bottle of wine and was on my way to see the mystery Tinder guy.
As I walked through the door, an older man came and introduced himself to me, "Hi, I'm Jake!" Shit, it was him. He looked nothing like his photos. It was too late to chicken out at this point, so I just smiled politely as we sat down at our table. All I could think was, "This is going to be interesting."
Turns out Jake was not very active on social media and hasn't updated his profile picture since 2011. Although, in my opinion, his photos were way more outdated than this. I was quite disappointed with the fact that he had to lie about his age. As a result, I wasn't really invested in the conversation.
After I finished my glass of wine and asked for a refill, the waitress informed me that the bottle was finished and that she was going to open another one. "Don't worry," she said smiling, "You have four more bottles." Wow, wow, wow. I had so many questions at this point. First of all, did he manage to polish a whole bottle of wine by himself in less than thirty minutes? Second of all, we had FOUR more bottles? Four?
I asked Jake if he really brought four bottles of wine and he said, "Yeah, I love wine!" Oh, he really loved his wine! He was drinking that thing like it was water. One glass after another. Easy tiger! Our date lasted for about two hours. I had two glasses of wine and he managed to finish all the rest. That's five bottles of booze in total, by the way.
At the end of the night, I asked him if he was ok to drive, he replied, "Yeth!" He had a hard time talking or walking straight for that matter, so I called an Uber. As we were waiting for his lift, he asked, "I don't get my goodbye kith?" You mean a kiss? Seriously? This guy's fucking hilarious without even knowing it. Anyway, I shook his hand and wished him a good night. I totally felt like a good boyfriend.
The next day, I get this text from Jake.
Well, at least someone had fun. And, no, we can't "do this again." Ever.