No one knows what the future will hold for Montreal next year, that is, of course, except for us at MTL Blog. Some of us have been having prophetic vampire slayer dreams, others visited by the ghost of Christmas future, and more than a few just got wasted and thought of some shit, but regardless of our individual medium into the future, we have pooled our collective knowledge on 2014 to give you a major heads up on what will be the haps for Montreal. Gaze into our crystal ball, sorry I mean wine glass, and take a peak into the future that will be Montreal 2014.
Super Summer Festival
Overstimulated at the amount of festival choices and activities occurring during the summer of Montreal, the city decides to combine them all into one 3-month long mega festival. Parc Jean-Drapeau becomes a 24-hour party hub and no one in the city sleeps for around 120 days. Zero complaints are made.
More Miracles, More Stanley Cups
After 20 years, the Montreal Canadiens, through some help via cybernetic sport performance enhancements, win the Stanley Cup. Out of sheer joy and happiness, the city literally explodes in some districts. No one notices, being too caught up in the fact that the Canadiens won.
Canoes: The New Way to Get to Work
Traffic and congestion on the Champlain Bridge will become so bad that roads going both ways will become perma-gridlocked. To solve the problem, the government will install new 'canoe lanes,' a water route that is exactly what it sounds like which will be marketed as a "green, safer, and quicker way to work." No one will be able to complain because all of those claims will be true. Commuters will begin to wonder how they every got to work without a canoe before.
Coderre > Ford
In an effort to gain worldwide popularity on par with Rob Ford, Dennis Coderre will take it upon himself to be caught doing bath salts. Video footage will be purposely taken, only to capture Coderre going nuts and trying to eat a guys face. After some brief fame as "The Zombie Mayor of Montreal" Coderre will try to reclaim some of his rep, but still remain edgy, by citing how "he only does bath salts when he's in a cracked out stupor."
Charter of Forever 21
Pauline Marois and the PQ's secret mission behind the Charter of Values will finally be revealed: to remove all of the weirdly religious clothing of Forever 21 from the city of Montreal. Biddies will be saddened, but the rest of the city will rejoice in no longer having to see a crucifix on a low cut halter top and leggings.
You're Under Arrest, Babies
Finding a new target that isn't animals or Italian restaurants, the language police of Montreal will begin reprimanding anglophone babies who cry in English, and not in French. No babies will be safe, as baby monitors will be wire tapped to find any underground English-criers. Man-bys will not be excluded.
I Vote Team Mob
Following the events of the zombie-Coderre scare, the citizens of Montreal revolt and protest for a new political leader. Realizing they run everything anyway, the mafias of Montreal join together to form their own political party. In an impromptu election, Team Mafia wins by a landslide. The state of streets and roadways does actually improves, proving it wasn't the mobs fault after all.
Next Level Fast Food
Tired of food trucks, the city will seek out an even more convenient method of getting tasty eats. An air-drop food service, done by jet planes, will be installed and packages of poutine will skydive all over the city. Food-related concussions will see an 80% increase in frequency and it will be totally worth it.
Winter Finally Gives Up
After a 300+ year struggle, Mother Nature finally throws Montrealers a bone and stops being a frigid bitch by the beginning of March. No one knows why, but many speculate it was a wish granted by the Flying Spaghetti Monster, or some form of magical food-deity. March 1st instantly becomes known as "The Day We Can Start Enjoying Life Again."
Babies Are So Hawt Right Now
Moving from mice to men, the formula to reverse the effects of aging will finally be developed. The serum itself will still be super expensive and only the wealthy will be able to afford to turn back their biological clocks. Being an adult with a baby body, or a Man-by, will become a symbol of power and money. Look forward to babies in suits and luxurious dresses smoking, drinking, and being snooty bitches. It will be adorable and infuriating at the same time.
What'd you think of our predictions for 2014? Hilariously accurate or so far off its offensive? Up or downvote in the comments below.