A crime is currently being committed people, a crime against Canadians everywhere. The offence? Withholding the sacred sauce of the crimson cock (or rooster, if you want to be less sexually charged) otherwise known as Sriracha from all those in Canada.
"But what do you mean," you're probably asking yourself. "We have Sriracha in Canada! Why, I have a bottle right now," you say in a frantic high pitch tone as you rush to your kitchen to make sure the red rooster bottle with the iconic bright green cap is still safely in your refrigerator's side door.
First, I get it, because I too need a bottle of Sriracha in my house at all times like a security blanket, and get super stressed out any time there's only a third-or-less of the spicy alchemical red sauce left in the bottle.
Second, I'm not talking about a lack of bottled Sriracha in Canada. I'm referring to the major affront that is the absence of Huy Fong Sriracha single-use/to go packets in our fair nation.
Yes, that's right, mini Sriracha packets are now readily available to the world, just begging to be placed upon the tables of restaurants, because all food is made better with the addition of the rooster sauce. And in your pockets for emergency, of course.
Far better than the Sriracha key-chain (because your addiction needn't be so visible, nor do you need such a clumsy attachment), the new packets of rooster sauce went on sale via Sriracha2Go.com only yesterday.
The major problem with this fantastic innovation in the world of hot sauces? There's apparently some sort of embargo on Sriracha packets coming to Canada, and anywhere else outside the United States.
In a not-so-heartfelt apology to all those with an ever-present craving for Sriracha who don't live in 'Merica, Sriracha2Go says: "Sorry to our international friends, but this product can only be shipped within the United States."
Oh, cool, sure, let me just go cry my eyes in a fit of rage and sadness while I pour a constant stream of Sriracha down my throat to lessen the blow that is the altogether unjustified (at least in my opinion) nonexistence of Sriracha packets in Canada.
I mean, I understand not shipping to Germany or France, but Canada? Really? People in freakin' Alaska can get Sriracha packets but us, mere hours from the US border, can't? Shenanigans I say, shenanigans.
The only form of respite one can gain out this particularly awful Sriracha-less situation is the fact that, yes, we Canadians can use a friend's US postal address then schlep our booty south of the border to grab our tiny pockets of synthesized flavour magic.
But rather than make the best out of a bad situation, what we want to see is Sriracha packets available in Canada, because don't we deserve a little more happiness in our life? We think yes, so lets make it happen people.
Please, for the sake of children (who love Sriracha) everywhere.
*Photos from Sriracha2Go.com