Ah Fall. Fall is the seasonal equivalent of getting butterflies in your stomach. Winter is the big annoying exam you have to pass and Fall is the feeling you get right before it begins, that feeling that reminds you of how dreadful winter will be. It's too cold, it's grey ... it's straight up depressing.
Some people love the fall. I however am not one of those people. So join me as I explore what makes this season so shitty.
Those god damn leaves, they think they're so pretty and awesome but it the end they're not that nice to look at, and even if they were, it's not enough to convince me to put up with them.
They're everywhere! They're all over the floor, they're in my entrance, they're under my windshield wipers, they're covering my balcony, they crunch when you step on them and they make that annoying sound as they get blown around by the wind. Fuck leaves and the Leafs too while we're at it.
It's coooold. And not that intense cold you're prepared for. This cold sneaks up on you. At least the winter is cold the whole time, you accept it and you plan accordingly, but the fall has an annoying way of making you think it's hot outside when it's actually cold as fuck.
What the fuck happens to the sun during the fall? It makes regular appearances all year round but when fall comes along, the sun decides to fuck off all together. Feels like I'm living in England during the industrial revolution.
So I have to dress up now? Why? I don't wanna wear makeup that'll feel dried up and crusty after an hour. I don't want to put on a mask that makes it hard to breathe. And I don't want to be stuck carrying Thor's Hammer all night just because it's part of the costume. I like having the use of both my hands.
Stop it with the god damn candy already. Halloween is 1 day, why are you eating candy for a month straight? Those tiny chocolates wrapped in orange tin foil that ends up in tiny pieces everywhere. They're so tiny you can eat 15 of them and not even get full.
For the record, Tootsie Rolls suck, stop making them. No one's ever actually bought a Tootsie Roll, so where the hell do they all come from? Are we just constantly exchanging the same Tootsie Rolls with each other?
6. The Identity Crisis
The main problem with fall is the identity crisis brought upon by Halloween. It's supposed to be a dark, scary thing, but it's also mainly for kids. So the result is these weird scary/child friendly decorations like giant purple smiling spiders and shitty "friendly monster" characters. Also call me crazy, but luring children with candy seems creepy to me.
7. Pumpkin Spice
If everyone likes it so much why don't we just sell it all the time? That way when I get a craving for pumpkin spice I can just buy some, instead of having it everywhere for 2 months until the smell of it makes me sick to my stomach and I need the following 10 months to recover.
8. Bipolar Weather
No matter how you dress, at some point during the day you will feel too hot and later on you will feel way too cold. You can't win.
9. Apple Picking
When did apple picking become "fun"? I hate picking fruits and vegetables. That's why I don't have a garden. Everyone on your news feed posting invites to apple picking events? People who don't eat a single apple all year round all of a sudden get boners for apples. Then you're stuck with a 10lbs bag of apples slowly rotting on your counter. You try to pawn some off on other people but TOO LATE, you're the 5th person to give them apples.
Everyone is sick. What happened to everyone's immune system all of a sudden? Perhaps it has something to do with the fact that it's become impossible to dress appropriately for the weather.