Photo cred - Raul Calderon
Montreal is a great place to live and easy to get around, thanks to our beloved metro lines. HOWEVER, as great and wonderful as the metro may be there are definitely some qualms people may have with riding through town. I have had my fair share of odd encounters but the following have exceeded all levels of weirdness I can ever begin to express. Come with me as we take a journey from one side of town to the other in hopes of not being murdered or pleasured in the middle of any metro stations.
Walking into Côte Vertu station as you push through the doors a rush of wind almost blows you over and the smell of urine literally makes you gag, you walk down the stairs confident that today will be a good day. Boy were you in for a surprise.
Photo cred - David Zuhse
1. The Creeper
You’re sitting with your friend minding your own business, the car has yet to leave the station and you feel breathing above your head. You look up to find a freckled face man staring down at you in the creepiest way you have ever seen. You attempt to ignore him but can’t help but feel this sense of utter fear consume you. Noticing what appears to be blood stains on his white Habs jersey probably from the stripper he stabbed the night before. It's not even the blood that really scares you but the fact that he is wearing a white Habs away jersey, who the hell wears away jerseys, no bueno. You make the executive decision to change seats to the other end of the car.
2. The Follower
Finally feeling a bit safer now that you have changed seats, you notice the same blood stained white Habs jersey wearing freak follows you to the other end and resumes his position breathing on you, to the point where other metro users begin to take notice. His breath reeks like stinky poutine juices left over from the night before. Luckily at this moment you have arrived at Cote St Catherine station, you would rather not be the next blood stain on his jersey indefinitely leading to his incarceration. You run off all the way up the stairs, even consider taking a taxi the rest of the way to but decide to suck it up and keep going.
Photo cred - Mo Riza
3. The Hummer
The next car comes relatively quick, you barely have time to recover and are seriously thinking that everyone is probably out to get you. You make it to Vendôme thinking you are finally free of the weirdos for the day. NOPE. All is quiet and right in the world and suddenly you are hearing strange noises, sounds like humming and where is it coming from? Of course the person sitting next to you, where else? You can't quite make out what he is humming but it literally sounds like murderous undertones from a horror movie. Panic sets in and you slowly begin to give up on life, today is the day it all ends for you.
Photo cred - Daryl Mulvihil
4. The Starer
YES Lionel Groulx, the absolute breeding ground of freaks, everyone combines to a jumble of weirdness you don't know what’s going to happen next. You are always on high alert at this particular station. Everyone is the enemy, the man quietly clutching his man purse, the girl with darting eyes, even the little old man with a cane and hunched back. You decide to just keep your head down in hopes that you will be left alone. You suddenly feel a burning sensation in the back of your head like someone is staring through you. You turn around to find a rugged looking dude who would actually be somewhat good looking if he wasn't staring at you in the nastiest way of life. You give him a stair back as if to say " please refrain from undressing me with your eyes" he seems to get the point and you carry on your way.
Photo cred - Kate Love
5. The "My Bag Needs It's Own Seat" Even Though The Car Is Full
Made it to the green line in one piece finally back to feeling good and positive, like you've shed all the craziness for one afternoon. You walk into the car and there are no open seats, why? A younger high schooler has decided that their leopard print Jansport is too important to put on their lap or on the floor like everyone else. It needs its own special seat, because duh it is just so special to them. They are clearly in their own world and has no regard for others, you decide to work up the courage to kindly ask them to remove their bag so you can place your ass on the seat comfortably. She of course gives you the dirtiest look of all time, as if she is sniffing day old sushi but moves her precious bag regardless. Things just got extremely tense; that escalated quickly.
Photo cred - Geeflex
6. The Leg Opener
Atwater; a relatively normal station that you feel somewhat safe to be at, but boy were you wrong. The man across from you who is super into his Journal de Montreal clearly has no idea that his legs are spread so wide that you inevitably would be able to pick him out of a line up just by seeing his junk. Thank you mr leg splayer for scarring us in ways we never thought possible.
Photo cred - Nalayita
7. The One Who Yells At You For Giving Up Your Seat
A lady gets on at McGill wearing a massive knapsack that’s bigger than her, she isn't necessarily old but definitely isn't young so you decide to give up your seat out of the goodness of your heart. Turns out she doesn't appreciate your selfless act. In fact, she goes as far as to yell at you with obscene language in both english and french. You pretend you can't hear her using your head phones as a shield to her verbal abuse, however that only seems to make it worse. Thanks to this lovely woman you will most likely never be giving up your seat to anyone ever again.
Photo cred - Michal Oravec
8. The Selfie Taker
We get it, everyone coming in and out of Laurier metro station is super cool and hip. Your new "vintage" black fashion forward hat is super cool and hell you look awesome in it but come on is it super necessary to take selfies while you don't even have wifi? Yes you have awesome style, however it is incredibly awkward watching someone take pictures of themselves for twenty minutes straight, just saying. Get your shit together.
Photo cred - Spacedust
9. The I Don't Have Headphones So Now Everyone Will Listen To My Music
You get to Jean Talon and all of a sudden it’s a freaking dance party because someone has decided that it's perfectly okay to listen to their music without head phones. We don't care if you forgot them at home and are having a massive panic attack because of it, deal with it. We do not like your crappy music as much as you and would appreciate it if you would STFU!
Photo cred - Victor Semionov
10. The Pusher
You finally reach Henri Bourassa, end of the line. After the longest metro ride of your life, you are ready for a serious nap and major therapy. only to have someone push you out of the way while exiting the metro car so they can get on first. You are fuming, enough is enough and you can't take it any longer. You scream so loud that everyone turns to look at you, only to realize that you have now in turn become the metro weirdo.