For whatever reason, a posse of pretty straight party girls seems to always have a gay guy in the mix. Maybe two. Ideally, they're actually all just friends organically, rather than the alternative of a squad of girls having a gay around to fulfill the "best gay" role, which is kind of puke-worthy.
Either way, the result is the same: the gay guy gets roped into a night out with the squad out to some grimy straight club.
From my personal experience, it's usually a pretty fun time, but there are a few things that stand out to a gay dude, parts of the nights that leave us saying "ohhhhh, I get it now" and "WTF, seriously?" at varying moments. See what I mean below.
You Kiki Harder Than We Do
For the uber-heteros reading, a "kiki," as defined by the Urban Dictionary is "a party including good music and good friends, held for the express purpose of calming nerves, reducing anxiety and stress and generally fighting ennui" that can also be a verb, meaning "to party or to get overly excited catching up with your girlfriends.
Basically it's a jam with you and your crew, usually involving drinking, talking shit about any and everything, and can apply to most semi-exclusive pre-drinks.
But while gay guys might have invented the term, you've seemingly perfected the kiki, what with your constant chit-chat, swigs of white wine, and ever present buzz of high energy top 40 tunes. Well done straight women.
Y'all Can Drinker Harder Than Anyone Gives You Credit For
Seriously though, I have never seen a group of individuals take more shots than when partying with a cabal of ladies. Straight men might boast about chugging beer, but you ladies seem to have gills specifically made for swimming through lakes of wine and vodka.
And it's not like you just go heavy at the pre-drink, y'all take it to the bar too, ordering shots on shots on shots. A part of me is usually worried, but a larger, alcoholic aspect of my being is brimming with pride, and the desire for another ounce of vodka, because your buying, right?
You Should Get An Award For Wearing What You Do In The Winter
Some folks might rip on the ladies who wear small black dresses and high heels in winter, but I applaud you. No one is as committed as you are when it's quite literally negative twenty degrees outside. There should actually be an Olympic sport called "walking up St. Laurent street at midnight in 4-inch heels in the winter" and you would get gold. No one else would even place.
Lines Aren't Much Of A Thing Being In Your Squad
When your with a group of pretty girls, it's hard not to get in somewhere. In the hetero-world, you're the ideal patron, and I get the benefit of tagging along and skipping every line. Not that you didn't already know the bouncer anyway.
The Music At Straight Clubs Sucks
Granted that a lot of clubs in the Village play shitty Top 40 remixes, but a legit queer event will usually have a pretty good DJ spinning. The same can't be said for most of the straight clubs I've been to.
Most of the time the music is a weird mix of 90's throwback with dubstep and EDM splattered in. One time, Soulja Boy's "Crank That" came on, unironically and it was the worst thing ever. The crowd went kind of nuts, mind you, but that just goes to show what's wrong with the music scene at far too many straight clubs.
Straight Dudes Can't Dance
Zero hip movement, stiff as hell, and their eyes are just scouring the room looking for a pretty lady, combining for a pretty funny-awkward sight. Of course, this is an over-generalization, but one that can be applied to many a straight man.
Neither Can Straight Girls, Actually
Yeah, maybe just blame it on the alcohol, but trust me when I say you and your posse don't look half as good trying to dance "sexy" as you might think. It's okay, you're still pretty.
The "Surprise Behind Grind" Is Super Creepy
How straight dudes have been continuously allowed to just pop up behind a lady and randomly grind them from behind, without even making some form of eye contact, is truly beyond me. Every straight girl I've talked to absolutely loathes when this happens, so I don't know why it continues to be a troubling phenomenon.
If any straight guys are reading, please, on behalf of all people on the dance floor, stop the surprise grind from behind.
Straight Guys Are Kinda Fugz
There's a very strong stereotype that all gay men are beautiful, fit, and have killer abs, which is definitely false. But in comparison to all the straight guys at da club, well, I can see why people might think that's actually true.
To be fair to straight men everywhere, the breed of dude who populates a sweaty dance floor probably isn't the best sample group to dictate the attractiveness of the entire demographic.
Oh, and just to be fair, when I say "fugz" I don't necessarily mean "ugly" in the traditional sense. It's definitely a blanket term to refer to many a negative quality, like rudeness, poor hygiene, and douchebaggery, which a lot of guys at clubs have in spades.
"Mother Hens" Make Absolutely No Sense
When gay guys go out, all we want is our friends to get laid. Seriously, there is little-to-no slut shaming involved, because nothing is better than knowing your friend is getting some play.
Most straight women are the same, save the Mother Hen of the group, the oddly maternal girl who feels the need to be over protective of her friends making alcohol-influenced bad (yet good) decisions and ultimately cock-block them. Not every group has one, but when they do, their need to essentially stop their friends from getting laid baffles my entire being.
You Take The Drunchies To New Levels
That whole "girls don't eat" stereotype certainly doesn't apply to any lady who has had some drinks her. While you and your gal pals may have been concerned about carbs before, all that went out the window after shot number 5. With zero fucks given, you ladies head to the nearest greasy spoon and straight up destroy a few slices of pizza or a poutine.
It's basically a classic Regina George moment of "Screw it, I'm getting chees fries" times 50.
Every time I'm amazed, and more than a little self-conscious for not being able to do the same.
Y'all Have It Easy
All too often, straight people (both guys and girls) will say so a gay guy, "oh you have it so easy. You can get laid whenever you want." Let me make this clear: never say this to a gay dude, becase no matter how "easy" you think we have it, you ladies have it WAY easier.
Sure, we might have apps like Grindr to have hook-ups on the fly, but whereas we gays need to find mates in small, reserved corners of society, straight folks can quite literally find someone anywhere.
Think about it like this: When you're at a party as a gay guy and you see someone cute, you have to play this whole song-and-dance figuring out if they're gay or not, and if they're into you, which is a lot harder than you think.
On the other hand, straight guys and gals alike can pretty much talk to anyone at the party, knowing that if you talk to a member of the opposite sex, there's almost a guarantee they share the same sexual preferences. Sure, there's a chance they don't, but odds are in your favour.
So no, we don't have it all that easy, y'all do.