The New Beach Trend For Girls Is Not Sexy

Just skip the middleman and go to a nude beach.

A’ight. Y’all know I’m a big advocate for body positivity and wearing what makes you feel good. So if you want to go to the beach in a turtleneck, do it! If you want to go stark naked, first make sure it’s legal, then prance about in your birthday suit all the live long day.

Okay.

BUT THIS SHIT IS EFFING RIDICULOUS. I mean what? Is this fashion? Like why subject yourself to stringy nipple covers and vag floss when you could just go naked?

This new trend is called the “micro bikini” and it’s confusing me in a lot of ways. From what I’m gathering the point is to cover the minimum, and I mean like BARE MINIMUM, while simultaneously looking like the most uncomfortable piece of crap to have ever existed. Bathing suits aren’t comfortable to begin with mkay, and that thing looks like it requires a lot of adjusting in the boobage department, and pulling the bottom out of... places...

Is it legal to charge for this? Like, my ladies know how expensive bathing suits can be, most of the time upwards of $100 big ones. But if these people think they can charge me that, they’re fvcked. I refuse to pay any more than I would for dental floss, BECAUSE THAT IS ALL THIS IS!

All in all my resounding feeling is a big fat NO. LISTEN UP MICRO BIKINI COMPANY. You are charging women for an inevitable nip slip and the worst wedgie they will ever experience. YOU ARE THE SCUM OF THE EARTH. There is a special place in Hell for you. Right next to the inventor of Girls Gone Wild and Hugh Hefner. SCREW. YOU.