Today, it's kind of warm in Montreal. In comparison to some of the frigid -30 days we've had, some may say it's very warm.
And if you're part of the population who follows that second line of thinking, you're probably the same type of person who woke up this morning thinking "Hey! It's warm enough to wear shorts today, finally!"
Except, no, it is not warm enough to wear anything but pants. Right now, it's like zero outside, and it's is barely going to go be ten degrees this afternoon.
No matter if you're "just" heading to the gym, or if you're simply craving to show off your calf-game (looking at you, bros, because lets be honest, this post is pretty much tailored to your early-short-wearing demographic) there is no point in the next twenty four hours where it will actually be appropriate to sport shorts.
Oh, but the cold doesn't bother, you say? It's totally warm enough, you're currently retorting in your protein-shake raddled mind?
Well no one cares, because when there is snow still on the ground and the weather is cold enough to warrant a scarf, shorts are entirely off the table.
And you know what happens if you do wear shorts today? You automatically look like a tool, that's what.
Look, I get the need to embrace all things summer-y after having to wear layer upon layers for months, but you've waited this long. Why not just give it another month, when the weather might be warm enough for shorts, skirts, or anything that isn't a variation of the pantaloon.
Pay attention to that operative "might" in the sentence above. Because even if it is mid-April, it still might not be warm enough for you to wear shorts and not look like a douchebag.
So when is it acceptable to wear shorts? And who made me the authority on this subject? To answer the second question, common sense made me an authority, something all of you early-short-wearers seem to lack.
As for the first, I'll gladly go on record to say that the only acceptable temperature you can begin donning shorts is 17 degrees celsius. Anything lower, and it's a no-go. Okay, maybe 16 degrees if you're in direct sunlight, but if you want to be proper, go for 17.
This isn't some arbitrary number, either. 17 degrees marks the thermic start to spring, and it's a temperature that actually warrants you wearing shorts, without seeming like you're trying way too hard to seem manly. It'll probably be too cold to have bare legs in the nighttime when the first 17-degree day hits, but that's another problem entirely.
Of course, there are those of you who won't be heeding this advice, and will be seen unabashedly walking about the streets of Montreal in your shorts (or, God forbid, gym shorts).
But to everyone who will no doubt see these short-walkers, and will get pissed off and annoyed (how could you not), please, for the sake of all that is good and holy, call them out. Instagram their ridiculous short-wearing behaviour, tweet about how silly they are, or just scream "it's too soon for shorts!"
Because truly, this problem will only be remedied by a huge dose of public shame. That is all.