In case you don't think this is a serious article, I'd like to reassure you that it is. In fact I've never taken anything more seriously in my life.
After all, poutine is serious business in Montreal, which is why we have a whole festival for it.
There's a lot of science and research that went into putting this together, so take it from a guy who's had a lot of girlfriends and a lot of poutines. Having a poutine is better than having a girlfriend. Here's why:
1. Poutine Will Always Love You
With poutine, you can always be honest. You don't have to pretend to be someone you're not because poutine will always accept you just the way you are.
2. Poutine Will Never Cheat On You
As a wise man once said: "True love is hard to find, sometimes you think you have true love and then you catch the early flight home from San Diego and a couple of nude people jump out of your bathroom blindfolded like a goddamn magic show ready to double team your girlfriend..." - Luke Wilson, Oldschool
But with poutine you can rest easy.
3. Poutine Is Never Too Busy To Return Your Phone Calls
If you're ever wondering why poutine isn't calling you back or why it isn't replying to that awesome dick pic you sent, don't worry. Poutine wants to reply but she can't because she has terrible credit, so she can't afford a cell phone.
4. Poutine Doesn't Give You Shit For Not Doing The Dishes
Since she has no sense of smell ... or eyes. Poutine has no idea how long the dishes have been "soaking' in the sink. So she will never complain that you live like a pig.
5. Poutine Never Asks To Borrow Your Car
Poutine got a DUI last year and they took her license away. So you never have to worry about her getting into a fender bender or bringing your car back with no gas in the tank.
6. Poutine Will Never Complain That You Don't Go On Enough Dates
Poutine doesn't need to go out on dates, she just wants to stay home and cuddle on the couch with you. Maybe turn on some Netflix. Just don't suggest "Netflix and Chill" because poutine is way too classy for that shit.
7. Poutine Won't Try To Change You
Personality wise you have nothing to worry about. But Poutine will definitely try to change you physically. Mostly she will try to make you fat.
8. Poutine Will Never Ask You To Have Dinner With Her Parents
That's because poutine's parents were killed by ninjas and now poutine is training to avenge their honor.
9. Poutine Doesn't Need You To Remember Her Birthday
Poutine smokes way too much weed so she doesn't even remember what her birthday is. So you don't have to either.
10. Poutine Always Makes You Happy
Although her methods are limited, poutine will always do everything in her power to make you happy. This mostly involves watching you playing videogames without complaining.
11. Poutine Doesn't Hog The Blanket
Ever since she came back from a tour in Iraq, poutine doesn't like sleeping in beds because she has PTSD. Instead she prefers sleeping in a closet and puts pillows in the bed as a decoy. So that blanket is all yours.
12. Poutine Doesn't Asks To Borrow Your Jacket When She Gets Cold
Poutine plans ahead, she always keeps an extra jacket in the car. Just in case.
13. Poutine Doesn't Pick A Fight With You Because She's Bored
And she will never ask you if her ass looks fat in these jeans. That's because poutine's confidence is unshakable and she doesn't need you to boost her self esteem.
14. Poutine Doesn't Get Mad When She Finds Porn On Your Laptop
Poutine probably watches more porn than you do, so if anything you need to worry about what poutine is googling on your laptop.
15. Poutine Doesn't Get Jealous When You Talk To Other Poutines
That's because poutine is open to the idea of a threesome.