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Don't Read This If You Plan On Having Kids

A personal opinion on becoming a parent.
Don't Read This If You Plan On Having Kids

Today's hot topic online is the most popular baby names in Quebec and it reminded of something I usually get in trouble for saying out loud: "I will never have kids."

People often look at me like I just punched an old lady when I say that, as after all, it goes against what is considered the traditional life-path. Finish school, get a job, meet someone nice, get married, have kids, and of course, live happily ever after. Straying from this path is virtually unacceptable to most, but honestly, to me, staying kid-free is the only logical choice.

This is my typical reaction when people ask me if I want to have kids someday:

Now, I know what you're thinking, but I've had this debate several times in the past, and at this point, I've pretty much heard it all. So let's tackle all the pro-baby arguments one by one.

"Having Kids Is The Best Job In The World."

I don't know about you, but one job is more than enough, I don't need another job. Especially if it's a job that ends up costing ME money. I have a dog, and sometimes I actually hate that fact because I know I have to walk him when I get home.

Plus, that only takes 10 minutes out of my day, so I can't even imagine how much I'd struggle with the idea of taking care of a baby 24/7.

"The Moment Your Child Calls You "Daddy" For The First Time..."

Actually to me there's nothing more terrifying than the idea of a baby calling me Daddy. I'm getting anxiety just thinking about it. There's no way I can ever be responsible for another human being, I'm barely responsible enough to take care of myself.

"You Only Lose Sleep At The Beginning."

Realistically, I'm not willing to give up even a single minute of sleep. My entire life revolves around getting MORE sleep, so I don't see why I would willingly install a human alarm clock in my home.

"Kids Take Care Of You When You're Older."

Or I can hire a private nurse with all the money I saved from NOT having kids.

"Gives You An Excuse To Play With All Your Old Toys."

Bullshit, I played Nintendo yesterday, and there's currently a Rubic's Cube and some Devil Sticks at my work desk. I don't need an excuse to play with my old toys, I'm immature enough as it is already. Plus you're delusional if you think your kid will be entertained by your toys.

These days you're more likely to be stuck watching the movie Frozen on repeat while you play on your phone, secretly hoping the TV explodes so you never have to hear the long "let it go" again.

"You Don't Truly Know Love Until You Have A Child."

I also don't know the feeling of getting pissed on as I try to change a diaper, so let's call that a tie. Plus, the kids might love you now, but I'm thinking ahead to when the kid is a jackass teenager who deems you too uncool to acknowledge.

"Your Life Will Finally Have Meaning."

Here's an argument that sounds nice but doesn't really mean anything. You don't need kids to have a meaningful life. 3:00 am feedings and baby vomit does not seem like a "meaningful life" to me. The only thing my life lacks right now is free time, and maybe more pizza.

"Have Them Now, Before It's Too Late."

That's a terrible reason to do anything. So you're basically saying I should have kids just in case I might change my mind later? Should I also get drunk at work now, just in case I might want to be drunk later?

"Kids Are The Greatest Thing In The World."

Wrong. Kids are little drunk people who are constantly trying to off themselves by falling from high places, or eating things they shouldn't. I can't handle that kind of pressure.

In the end, it all boils down to one simple truth: I like my freedom.

But in case that's not enough, here are 15 more reasons:

  • I like having control over my own time.
  • I like that I'll never have to survive my girlfriend being pregnant.
  • I like that my day isn't determined by other people's schedules.
  • I like that I don't have to deal with some tiny human's problems.
  • I like that I'll never have to hate my daughter's boyfriend.
  • I like that I'll never have to have "the talk" with anyone.
  • I like that I will never be responsible for shaping another person's mind.
  • I like that I will never have to trip over kid's toys in my living room.
  • I like that I can sleep until noon every weekend.
  • I like that I don't need to rent an apartment with an extra room.
  • I like that I'll never have to go to a parent/teacher conference.
  • I like that I'll never have to attend a ballet recital or a pee-wee hockey game.
  • I like that I'll never worry about my kid getting kidnapped or murdered.
  • I like that I'll never have to struggle with my child being born with a disability.
  • But most of all, I like that I'll never have to put my own life on hold to take care of someone else.

Just remember, babies may have tiny feet, but that won't stop them from stomping on your hopes and dreams. Unless, of course, your dream is to have kids, to which all I can say is: To each their own.

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