In honour of National Poutine Day, we thought it only right to pay homage to our favourite Quebecois dish the best way we know how: by trashing all the ways that people have managed to ruin it over the years.
So, with inspiration from Mashable's "11 most violent crimes against bagels," we bring you the 9 most violent crimes against our beloved Poutine.
You may disagree with one or two of these crimes, but just know... you're wrong. We must protect the purity of poutine at all costs.
TL;DR In honour of National Poutine Day, we bring you the 9 worst, most heinous crimes against our beloved national dish: the poutine. For a meal so simple, people are exceptionally good at screwing it up, and we're here to call them out.
1. Gravy Not Hot / Curds Too Cold
Happy National Poutine Day!! ❤️🍟🧀❤️ #Poutine #NationalPoutineDay https://t.co/ZXTewDJsq5— Crevette De Berg 🦐 (@Crevette De Berg 🦐) 1554981596.0
If the gravy isn't hot enough to melt my curds, I am not a happy girl. Also, if your curds just came out of the fridge, your gravy doesn't stand a chance. So, essentially the issue here arises when my curds don't melt. Duh.
2. Anything Other Than Cheese Curds
#nationalpoutineday. BHS Global and Gourmet Foods https://t.co/O3tUynIjHr— MrsMasem (@MrsMasem) 1554987766.0
Obviously. I need not elaborate on this cardinal sin.
3. Anything Other Than Hand Cut Fries
Keto Bacon Poutine https://t.co/z0ETnKEBQO via @ketogenicgirl #nationalpoutineday #keto #RecipeOfTheDay https://t.co/Jss0EyKPsB— Shannon McMullan (@Shannon McMullan) 1554984541.0
I don't want your tots, wedges, or crinkle cut nonsesnse. Get out. Hand cut or death.
Especially if you try to serve me a poutine that uses GREEN BEANS INSTEAD OF FRENCH FRIES EXCUSE ME WHAT PLANET ARE WE ON?! Just, no Shannon. No.
4. Only One Layer Of Curds / Poorly Planned Poutine Ratio
And by some sort of coincidence, today is also #NationalPoutineDay along with.. National Pet Day ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ https://t.co/HT5qz4lUwH— Halifax News & Info (@Halifax News & Info) 1523463530.0
Just like nachos, poutines require care when being assembled. There is a proper ratio of fries: gravy: cheese curds, and if even one of these ingredients is over- or under-represented, the whole ecosystem is jeopardized. So if my cheese curds are simply sprinkled on top of a pile of fries, I'm gunna be reeeeal disappointed.
5. Anything Other Than Poutine Sauce
While dark brown gravies are acceptable, poutine sauce reigns king. So don't be adding any of your weird cheese sauces or vegan attempts to recreate the real thing. Also, no roux. Merci.
6. Dessert Poutine
Need I say more? Okay, I will: barf.
7. Too Many Toppings
Can you chill?! The perfect poutine doesn't need to try so hard. Sure, I understand the desire to get a little pulled pork in the mix, but leave that shit to La Banquise. Most places need to just focus on getting La Classique right, let alone adding more toppings into the mix. Take a deep breath. There are three ingredients.
Clearly Christina, above, acknowledges this abomination is fit only for dogs.
8. Poutine Too Fancy
It’s #NationalPoutineDay and we can’t wait to enjoy this awesome duck confit poutine from our VUE Bistros located o… https://t.co/laNLewyBLO— CN Tower / Tour CN (@CN Tower / Tour CN) 1554993918.0
This dish was not made for the haute monde, and we like it like that. Gimme that five-pound mess of fries in a dinky little styrofoam container with a plastic fork (just kidding, gimme something biodegradable pls) and I'm a happy girl. Keep your foie gras.
9. Weird Poutine Abominations
We heard that it is National Poutine Day in Canada. Well, MOOV on in to represent, eh! Our Poutine Burger has Chedd… https://t.co/HTnR6Mk2YT— Burger Moovment (@Burger Moovment) 1555001163.0
Like I've been trying to imply throughout this whole list, poutine is a simple treasure, not to be messed with. So when you start inventing things like Poutine Burgers and Chicken and Waffle Poutines, you let the magic of simplicity get eaten up. Literally.
Again, deep breaths. You have one job... Put the three ingredients in a bowl and walk away.
As RuPaul would say, DON'T fuck it up.