Do I have to pay for my meal on a date? Shoot, I don't have time to look this up before he arrives!
That was my initial thought when I stood at the counter of Le Central during my first date at 36. After 13 years in a relationship, including eight years of marriage, I suddenly found myself in the dating world for the first time and realized I had absolutely no idea what I was doing.
I quickly realized dating in Montreal comes with its own learning curve. Between apps, awkward first encounters, and trying to figure out what you actually want, here's what I wish someone had told me before I started.
Dating is overwhelming (and that's normal)
Is this first date going okay? Are we going to hold hands? Is this something that only happens when you're in high school? Why is this so confusing? Scrap this, I'm not ready to date yet.
Dating for the first time at 36 is overwhelming.
You're a grown adult, and yet you feel completely clueless. I was recently separated and on my way to being divorced. My ex was someone I met when I was 17.
I needed to understand what I wanted first. Did I want to continue being single? I liked my new life, new friends, new hobbies, and a new me, more independent and self-assured.
It had been eight months since my separation, and I still hadn't signed up for any apps. I had never downloaded one in my life.
So yes, I had missed everything about modern dating. And catching up was no easy task.
Meeting people IRL is still a thing
A guy once asked for my number on Ste-Catherine Street.
Why was a strange man talking to me? What was happening?
I must have looked so disoriented because he asked if I was okay. I figured, what do I have to lose? We chatted for a bit, and I gave him my number.
Did I just give my number to a serial killer? He seemed nice. Also good-looking. I thought people didn't do this anymore.
I texted my bestie my location to make sure I came home alive.
You'll learn to trust your gut faster than you think
A friend offered to set me up with someone. "He's a nice guy," she said. "He's a homeowner on the South Shore."
"No, thank you," I replied. "I'm not going to date someone living a boring suburban life."
My friend said I was projecting too much and making this a bigger deal than it was.
Was I? I don't drive, and just the thought of those cookie-cutter houses makes me nauseous.
And that's when it clicked: I do know what I want.
I just have to listen to myself and trust my gut.
This was the moment I decided to join the apps.
Dating apps are a LOT
I was so lost, I turned to ChatGPT to see which dating app was best for Montreal. My friends later informed me that Hinge was the way to go.
Do I create my profile in French or English?
I went with English. Most people will switch anyway, and it helped me avoid the ultra-francophones who refuse to speak anything else for political reasons.
I created a profile and received an avalanche of messages.
Wait — why am I seeing messages about a threesome?
Oh. Wrong settings.
False code red. Breakdown avoided.
Scrolling through profiles was exhausting. Some bios were half-finished — next. Some said they were looking for short-term, whatever that meant — next. Guys living outside the island? Next.
Surprisingly, only a few guys were holding fish in their profile pictures.
Has that trend finally passed? What replaced it? I have no idea.
First dates are awkward
First dates are often awkward. And there's just no getting around it.
One guy rated our date at the end. Weird.
Another told me his travel story involved getting lost in an all-inclusive resort. Snooze.
Walking dates on the Lachine Canal felt strange. At least pay for my coffee on the go.
The "rules" of dating will be confusing
What's this two-day rule for responding? Why does everyone feel so unbothered and apathetic? Boring!
After how many dates do you sleep with someone? Three? Is there an answer to this?
Someone should have told me that having sex with people you go on dates with is mostly bad. Dating podcasts confirm this suspicion.
Is this my life now? Sigh.
Don't become a pen pal
Dating podcasts are wild — some are fascinating, others insist on teaching you about "feminine energy" and how not to appear too ambitious as a career woman. I freaked out and wondered how deep the manosphere influence went on apps.
My friends gave me a little advice, but dating in your mid-30s also means your single friends are few.
One piece of wisdom stuck, though meet the person you're talking to quickly so you don't get stuck in a pen pal situation. I took this to heart and started setting dates after just a few exchanges.
Ghosting (and zombieing) is real
Modern dating comes with its own vocabulary.
I read about lovebombing and realized I had been a victim.
Why didn't I see this coming? Well, because I didn't even know it existed. Now I know.
Why do guys text back after ghosting? New term to learn: zombieing. Are they bored? Plan A didn't work? Seeking reassurance? Ugh, why do I over-analyze everything? And why am I even replying?
Everything you're feeling is normal
I had so many questions when I started dating after my separation. I turned to the internet, dating workshops, you name it. All of the answers to the million questions I had were either empty or contradictory.
Slowly, I realized something: the dating world is weird and overwhelming, and I can't control everything. I needed to make mistakes. I needed to try things to figure out what I actually wanted.
Starting to date in your mid-30s can feel like being catapulted into a new world. But here's what I wish someone had told me: all of the insecurities and anxieties are normal. You'll feel lost, grossed out, hopeful, scared, joyful, and disappointed. Live those emotions.
You just have to let go and enjoy the ride. Worst thing that can happen? You remain single. And is that really the worst thing that can happen?
No, it's not.
Eventually, you'll find someone, and it will probably coincide with discovering a new, more confident version of yourself.
The rest of the puzzle falls into place naturally.
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The opinions expressed in this article are the author's own and do not necessarily reflect the views of Narcity Media.
