You've just arrived in Montreal, ready to see the sights and find out what all the fuss is about.
Maybe you're coming in for the weekend from Ottawa. Maybe you're staying long-term and came from farther afield. Either way, you're going to very quickly notice how unique the culture is here.
You're going to want to share your thoughts on the city. And even if you don't, we're probably going to ask you. And while we're going to enjoy almost anything you say next, you have no clue that you've entered a verbal minefield.
Here are seven seemingly harmless things you should never say in Montreal, unless you want to blow up the conversation.
"It's pronounced 'poo-TEEN.'"
Okay, pedantic rant alert. My pet peeve is when people think they know how French works, and then proceed to butcher the French language.
To be clear, I have no issue with people mispronouncing French words — we all get words from other languages wrong all the time. I'm sure I do without ever realizing it. But if you claim to be an authority on Quebecois French words, I beg of you, please know what you're talking about.
I've heard way too many Canadians from outside of Quebec confirm for foreigners that poutine is pronounced "poo-teen," when that is simply not true.
"Poutine" is a Quebecois word, and the most accurate pronunciation possible is, "p'tin." But for non-French speakers, the acceptable English pronunciation is "poo-TIN."
"The Habs suck, lowkey"
If Montreal has a dominant religion, it's hockey. And the Montreal Canadiens, also known as Les Habitants or the Habs, is at the center of that religion.
Montrealers from all walks of life, who might otherwise never get along or agree on anything, come together on game night. When the Habs win, we all win. When the Habs lose, we shoulder the loss together.
And look man, we know the Canadiens' stats. We know when we're not one of the stronger teams in the NHL. We know we haven't won a Stanley Cup in over 30 years.
But if you walk into a sports bar and talk smack about the Habs, don't be surprised if everyone starts shouting at once.
And Lord help you if you walk in wearing a Leafs jersey.
"I really like all the bike paths!"
We all have opinions about the bike paths. Some people love them, citing our previous mayor's push towards sustainability and the ease with which cyclists can safely get around downtown free of charge.
Other people hate them, citing the steep budget for creating the bike paths and the increased traffic on the roads. And then there are the whole slew of conspiracy theories about what creating the bike paths was really all about.
The point is, everybody gets immediately riled up when you mention the bike paths. And that's the problem.
As soon as the bike paths get brought up in conversation, you'll notice any tactful Montrealer immediately changes the subject to something else – anything else.
Otherwise, you're about to get stuck in a very long, repetitive argument that will inevitably loop in strangers who couldn't help but hear your conversation, and now Sunday brunch has turned into a Facebook comments section.
No matter what you think of the bike paths, good or bad, save the function by just keeping it to yourself. Trust me.
"You're speaking French wrong."
This is a separate point from the "poutine" thing, I swear. This is about the French expats in Montreal.
In France, it's a considerate gesture to correct someone when they're making a mistake. It's like telling a friend that they have something between their teeth — you tell them so they can fix it and not embarrass themselves.
French expats are also generally unfamiliar with the Quebecois dialect when they first get here. And that's fair enough — it's extremely distinct, with syntax and verb conjugations you don't see anywhere else in the world.
We also have our own grammatical rules around swearing, preserved bits of French from the 1700s, and Montreal specifically has its own pidgin language. It's all weird and complex and fascinating, and understandably confusing to newcomers.
So a lot of French people arrive in Canada and, trying to be helpful, will inform Quebecois people that they're not speaking French correctly. But in Canada, correcting people is usually seen as rude. And in Quebec specifically, a foreigner telling a francophone how to speak their native language is never going to go over well.
So now the Quebecois person is super offended, and the French person is wondering why Canadians have a reputation for being nice when they're so angry all the time.
This is literally just a case of culture clash, and most French expats laugh about the faux pas they committed when they first got here. But as a general rule: don't correct someone's French in Montreal.
"I actually don't like maple syrup."
Say this anywhere in Quebec if you want to confuse everybody around you.
The Quebec maple syrup sector is a billion-dollar industry that produces more than 70% of the world's supply of the sweet, amber goodness. Maple syrup is a staple in our local cuisine. It's the first thing we miss when we're travelling and eat a hotel pancake with corn syrup on top.
I even know people who put the stuff in their coffee. That's how ubiquitous it is around here.
It's absolutely a strong taste, though, and it makes sense that some people aren't a fan of it. It's also thick and sticky, which I could see some neat people taking issue with.
But if maple syrup is not your jam (sort-of pun intended), you're not going to find anybody who agrees with you around here. I'm not sure disliking maple syrup would ever naturally occur to anyone born in Quebec, to be honest.
"Have you tried vaping?"
Montreal used to be called "Canada's ashtray" even before vaping was a widespread thing. We've always been a city of smokers — be it cigarettes, cigars, or the devil's lettuce.
The rest of North America moved pretty effortlessly to vaping when getting one's hit of nicotine was suddenly available in flavours like cotton candy and blue raspberry ice. But generally, if a Montrealer is used to cigarettes, they won't switch to vaping unless they're trying to taper off their nicotine intake.
The bare truth of it is, for us at least, that vaping isn't cool. From our perspective, it sort of gives taking a drag from a candy-flavoured pacifier every few seconds. Smoking a cigarette is just the more grown-up, dignified way to risk lung cancer by our standards.
Vaping also doesn't have the culture around it that smoking does. You can't take five minutes outside to yourself on a stressful workday when you vape. You can't find camaraderie with other vapers outside of a bar or on the balcony at a party.
And let's be real, vaping doesn't pair with your morning coffee or evening beer the way a cigarette does.
Full disclosure, I'm not even a smoker. I'm just a local who gets the smoking culture here. And I still sound harsh AF when I explain all this.
Now imagine how a smoker would react if you asked, "Have you tried vaping?" while they're heading out to light up.
"I don't get the debate - a bagel is a bagel!"
I'm sure anywhere else, a bagel is just a bagel. Even New Yorkers are undecided on the best bakeries and delis in their city. Nobody cares about a bagel debate as much as we do.
But Montrealers are a passionate bunch, and we need at least one thing we can debate with zero consequences.
And for the record, St-Viateur makes better bagels than Fairmount. Fairmount bagels are excellent, but they're only second-best. And anybody who tells you anything different has clearly lost their mind.
This is a blatantly silly hill I will die on, for absolutely no good reason. Welcome to Montreal.
The views expressed in this Opinion article are the author’s own and do not necessarily reflect the views of Narcity Media.
