I ranked 7 Canadian cities by letter grades — Montreal was the country's outlier

Montreal, QC

If I could move anywhere in Canada — which I guess I could, because who's stopping me? — I'd move to Montreal. It's my favourite Canadian city. I don't care how brutal the dating scene is — I'd happily live the rest of my days out there in a purple wooden house with yellow trim and a New Orleans-esque balcony in Mile End.

BTW, in this scenario, I am rich and would be dining at Joe Beef every night. I have only been there once, but I was sitting beside John Slattery at the bar, who is old but hot.

It was a perfect Montreal night. I just think MTL is cool. I know Vancouver gets the rep for being the "prettiest" city in Canada, but beauty really is in the eye of the beholder because I'd much rather wake up in Montreal. I love a city. I can do without nature — I'd rather be in walking distance of Café Olimpico than Kits Beach. One woman's opinion, though!

I didn't go to university in Canada, but if I had, I would have gone to Concordia or McGill.

Honourable mention to Quebec City as well. Or just the general province of Quebec. You know, if I had one province I could move to, it would be Quebec, which again... I guess I could because who's stopping me??

Grade: A++

Windsor, ON

My favourite part about Windsor, Ontario, is that everyone from there thinks they're from Detroit. I'm not sure who needs to hear this (the male citizens of Windsor), but you're not. You're Canadian.

Windsor has that one bridge by the water, and other than that is so bizarre and depressing. It is almost solely Tim Hortons. It is somehow an abandoned motor town and also a suburb exclusively made up of ranchers and McMansions. And yet...

I love it.

In fact, I've written several sitcoms that take place in Windsor. I cannot get enough. I love the Dari De Lite ice cream stand. It's like Dairy Queen but better because it's not a chain.

It might not be for everyone, but I actually dig the vibe of this somewhat random city. It has personality and a local pride that bumps it up a grade.

Grade: B

Toronto, ON

Now, Toronto is annoying because I want to hate it more than I do.

I am a sucker for the East Coast vs. West Coast drama we've been trying to make happen in this country for the last couple of decades.

But you know what? Even though I'm a born-and-raised Vancouverite, I'm not afraid to say it: I like Toronto. If I had to live in Canada, and I couldn't live in Montreal? I'd live in Toronto. (Sorry, Vancouver, I'm sooner moving to a fishing boat in Halifax than back to you).

Toronto feels like the happy medium between Vancouver and Montreal. Energetically speaking, it's obviously not as cool or as European as MTL, but TO has definitely got more culture than Vancouver. People go out. Things happen. There are more than two steps on the corporate ladder to climb.

Except for sushi and ramen (Van has that on lock), Toronto's got a way better food scene and a livelier nightlife scene.

Grade: B+

Vancouver, BC

I love ripping Vancouver, and because I'm from there, there's nothing anyone can say to stop me because they are either A) a transplant or B) someone I went to high school with.

I've lived in the US for the last 10 years, but when I say I'm "going home for Christmas," I do always mean Vancouver. It will forever have that title and place in my heart.

The best thing about Van, hands down, is the trees and the rain. I love the rain. There's something about walking in Gastown in the rain when it's dark at 4 p.m. in November that just feels right. That specifically would be my recommended tourist activity.

Go for a walk when it rains. Eat cheap sushi at a hole-in-the-wall by yourself. Never Whistler. Rules to live by.

I know this is maybe even the exact opposite of what people love about Vancouver, but I am dying on this hill. If you're looking for nature, sun and hikes, there's a hundred other places on the planet you could go — but if you're looking for rain and a bowl of ramen... there's nowhere better.

The city itself lacks the kind of personality I'm looking for (unlike the ones above), and that brings it down a point.

Grade: B-

Stratford, ON

If you were a girl between the ages of 9 and 13 in 2008, you would know Stratford, Ontario, is the hometown of Justin Drew Bieber.

If you are anyone else, you probably know it as one of Canada's premier destinations for live theatre and music. Both completely valid.

When I visited Stratford for the first time, I was down. There was a tiny bridge with some paved stones. A cute coffee shop that made me feel like I was in the Cotswolds, that charged me $20 for a cup. But they had a banana-handle bike outside with fresh flowers in the basket, so — what was I expecting?

Stratford has always been on my list of places that, if money were no object, it would be a great little weekend trip. Obviously, if you're already in Ontario, this is the perfect situation — but if you're hopping on a flight from YVR, it'll run you several hundred dollars.

Still, a solid city that's cute if it's convenient.

Grade: B-

Victoria, BC

I always think I'm going to like Victoria more than I do.

On paper, it's my vibe. Pretty, coastal, old-fashioned, and full of kinds of buildings that make me wanna buy a wool coat and say "shall we walk?". And yet, every time I'm invited to a wedding that takes place in August (the most expensive time of year), I check out the rates at The Empress to torture myself.

I "do the math" and realize this weekend is costing me just as much as an economy-class round trip to Italy.

There's a reason it's "newlyweds and nearly deads". And also the UVIC kids, but this isn't about them. It's not a major city with all the conveniences of one, yet it still has that high price tag.

I think Victoria is like BC's Stratford, but the juice feels less worth the squeeze. The city simply doesn't justify the prices for a visit or to live in.

Grade: C+

Niagara Falls, ON

First of all, absolutely SHOCKED to find out this one is a city. I thought it was just a body of water where Jim and Pam got married on The Office.

You may be baffled to know that the first time I went to Niagara Falls was not on a school field trip or a family vacation. It was actually on my 25th birthday. While the gesture from my travel companions was appreciated, I could have 100% gone my whole life without ever seeing that. Don't care.

Does that make me a bad guy?

I know it's really impressive. Scientifically speaking. It's somewhere between the Grand Canyon and the Fountains of the Bellagio... not for me.

There were a lot of people shoving single-stem roses in my face — none of them free. There was a group of tween boys in matching rugby shirts. Toddlers with sticky ice cream sandwich fingers screaming into the void — that kind of thing. Look, after 15 straight minutes of pretending to enjoy the scenery out of courtesy for the people who took me there, I was right there with those kids.

As a natural wonder, Niagara Falls is obviously amazing, but it feels like a YouTube video does get the point across.

It's perfect if you're NOT a person whose favourite part of vacation is watching Forensic Files in a dark hotel room all day and night (can't relate).

Grade: F! (Ok fine, let's scale the grade...C-).