An Uber Eats delivery person checks their phone.
Much like Amazon used to be a bookselling website before becoming an online shopping overlord that provides all, Uber Eats had its beginnings in restaurant-to-doorstep cuisine. Now, though, you can find nearly anything you might want on the app. Dépanneurs, snack retailers and grocery stores have thoroughly infiltrated the platform.
The following are real items that are on offer when ordering Uber Eats from MTL Blog's office in downtown Montreal. If you really wanted to, you could ask another human being to deliver each of these items to your home — for a price.
Ground meat
Two ground beef options sold by Marché le Pro on Uber Eats.
Willa Holt | MTL Blog
Like a butcher's Instacart, Marché le Pro has partnered with Uber Eats to make it easier than ever to receive pound of ground meat at nearly any hour, at the simple touch of a few buttons. How lucky are we?
Santa bottle cozy
Dollarama's Christmas-themed bottle cozy options on Uber Eats.
Willa Holt | MTL Blog
Dollarama is on Uber Eats, which means you can buy any number of fascinating artifacts. Perhaps chief among them is this Santa-themed bottle cozy, which turns your favourite wine into a weird ritualistic situation where you're pouring poor Santa's winey blood out of his bottle neck. It's creepy.
Condoms
Condoms for sale from Dépanneur Provisoir on Uber Eats.
Willa Holt | MTL Blog
From Dépanneur Provisoir, that perennial late-night necessity. True, they'll arrive in the next 25 or 30 minutes, maybe more, delivered by a random. But I'm sure the mood will still be great, don't worry.
Worcestershire sauce
A screenshot of some offerings from Mimjim Express on Uber Eats.
Willa Holt | MTL Blog
You're scrolling through pizza options, when suddenly Mimjim Express, a local dep, offers you the sweet promise of a whole unopened jar of Worcestershire sauce. If you need it in a real pinch and you somehow can wait 30-45 minutes but can't go get it yourself, Uber Eats has you covered, I guess.
Tylenol
A screenshot of some offerings from Mimjim Express on Uber Eats.
Willa Holt | MTL Blog
They also offer Tylenol, which is great for when you can't go buy Tylenol, but also, this is a food delivery app. Why don't you already keep Tylenol in your house? Just something to think about.
European 7-Up
A screenshot of some offerings from Euro Market on Uber Eats.
Willa Holt | MTL Blog
For those with a taste for the imported and niche, Uber Eats has enough specialty snack stores to fill any of your strange, eldritch cravings. Like European 7-Up, for instance. These are offered by Euro Market, whose whole deal is (you guessed it) European treats, which apparently include mojito soda.
Literally anything from Yves Rocher
Face creams on sale from Yves Rocher through Uber Eats.
Willa Holt | MTL Blog
Did you know that Yves Rocher in the Carrefour Angrignon has an Uber Eats account? Well, they do. And you can order face creams and body creams and almost any skin-nourishing, face-decorating substance your heart could desire. On the restaurant delivery app. Don't forget to tip!
Pet food
A screenshot of some offerings from Mimjim Express on Uber Eats.
Willa Holt | MTL Blog
Mimjim Express, like many dépanneurs on the app, sells dog and cat food for delivery. There's a surprising amount of choice, but don't expect many specialty brands — it's what usually sells at deps, of course.
Schwip Schwap cola & orange flavoured soda
A soda sold at Marché le Pro in bulk.
Willa Holt | MTL Blog
You can buy a $50 case of orange and cola-flavoured soda from the very same marché as all that ground beef. It's to wash down the meat, naturally. No, you cannot buy smaller quantities of Schwip Schwap. It's $50 or nothing at all.
Even more raw meat
Two meat options sold by Marché le Pro on Uber Eats.
Willa Holt | MTL Blog
In fact, you can buy many types of halal and non-halal meats on Uber Eats and it's... a little pricey, no? Nevertheless, if you find yourself in need of, say, 30-35 kilos of veal rib in the next hour and you can't run to Metro, then you're all set!
A padlock and keys
A lock and key for sale on Uber Eats.
Willa Holt | MTL Blog
And finally, you can order a padlock and key set for a mere six dollars. It's also from Dépanneur Provisoir, and you could in theory order it with the condoms if you so desired. Perhaps the best course of action is simply to use this set to lock up your phone and never engage with these apps ever again.
