16 Signs That You've Lived In Montreal For Way Too Long

Berlin is calling, my friends, and we must away.

Staff Writer
Montreal's Grande Roue in the summertime.

Montreal's Grande Roue in the summertime.

Living in Montreal is an experience of extremes: extreme cold and extreme heat, high levels of festival excitement and high levels of annoying stairs. Each Montreal resident will come to a point, though, when the pressures of city life begin to crush your spirit, and you wonder whether it's time to move on — or just take a break.

Thankfully, there are several key signs to watch out for that will let you know when your time is approaching. For instance, on a warm and inviting summer's day about town, you might feel that something's missing from the air.

Then, you realize: you're actually missing the sweet smell of weed smoke. A spring day without it is like a bagel without sesame seeds, you think to yourself; it just doesn't feel like Montreal.

That's it: the first moment when you began to accept that you've been in Montreal way too long.

You pretend to care about the bagel debate

But underneath the air of interest is a neutral desire to eat whatever bagel is closest to your body at any moment in time. Sometimes that's Fairmount, but sometimes, that's St-Viateur.

You have opinions on every Montreal CEGEP...

...even if you've never actually attended one.

You can navigate Berri-UQAM station without checking the map

metro map? real actual map?

You unconsciously kick your shoes to dislodge snow, even in the summer

Against the side of buildings, the door frame, the steps, anywhere your subconscious mind sees fit to shake off ice and gravel that just isn't there.

You automatically double whatever time your maps say it'll take to drive somewhere

That is, if you can even drive in the first place.

You have an unnecessarily pointed hatred for la Grande Roue

Why is it so smug? Just staring at us with its big old eye. It's overrated.

You no longer believe in crosswalks

Or more accurately, you think all streets are crosswalks, and all cars should stop for you. You're not wrong! You're just also very bold.

You treat red lights as gentle suggestions

It's like a rolling stop, but better (as in more dangerous).

You can tell where someone is from based on their take on Valérie Plante

If they love her, they're Plateau people or Verdun residents. If they hate her? Saint-Laurent or the South Shore it is.

You believe stick-and-pokes are way cooler than machine tattoos

Yes, even the bad ones. Especially the bad ones.

You've given yourself micro-bangs

Bonus points if you loved it, points off if you hated it.

Your go-to errands outfit includes Doc Martens and a massive scarf

And a tote bag, some grungy eyeliner and a really obscure song no one has ever heard of playing in your headphones.

You've memorized all of the metro announcements

And you say them in your head along with the voice, obviously.

You've legitimately considered the ramifications of going poly with your friend group

The verdict may have been "No, hell no, god please no," but if you really thought about it, you have terminal Montrealer disease.

You can tell where in France someone is from based on their accent

You can not only identify France-French accents when you're in the Plateau, but you can tell if someone is from Paris, Marseille, Lyon or somewhere else just by hearing a snippet of their conversation.

You're so sick of whiny anglophones AND whiny francophones that you think it's time to leave.

Maybe life in Ontario wouldn't be so bad, after all...

This article's cover image was used for illustrative purposes only.

The opinions expressed in this article are the author's own and do not necessarily reflect the views of Narcity Media.

Willa Holt
Staff Writer
Willa Holt is a Staff Writer for MTL Blog, often found covering weird and wonderful real estate and local politics from her home base in Montreal.
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