This $14M Montreal House For Sale (In Westmount, Obvs) Has Its Own Nanny's Quarters

When you think of the average Montreal home for sale, you're not thinking ten-million-dollar price point or in-ground pool or two-car garage, most of the time. But this manor in Westmount is serving just that, with a price tag that could make Celine Dion blush: $13.95 million.

Shrouded in trees and sitting on a whopping 11,000 square foot lot, the house at 809 Upper-Belmont Ave is as mysterious as she is expensive. A child of the late 80's, the manor is perhaps less ostentatious than you'd expect for the price, but its true impact only arrives when viewed from above.

A view from above of the house, with an angle on the outdoor pool.Joseph Montanaro

The home is nestled rather close to several other pricey Westmount mansions, but more importantly, notice how it hides coyly behind those tall trees like a teenager with brand-new curtain bangs. The interior is a little less shy, to say the least.

A shot of the home's front door.Joseph Montanaro

Note that nearly camouflaged statue in the bottom left. It's foreshadowing.

The home's first entry vestibule.Joseph Montanaro

The vestibule is all green marble and green wallpaper and two greenish animal statues, one of which is definitely a walrus, but the other — listen, comment down below if you can figure out what's going on there. Sea lion? Who knows. A headless, footless and handless statue stands at attention to the left of the open doorway, which leads to...

The inner entryway, facing a staircase.Joseph Montanaro

A significantly more normal-looking entryway. Whew, I was getting worried after that statue. But no, this house isn't too weird. At least, not yet. For now, enjoy a humble staircase, and come with me to the left to explore the living room.

A view of the main living room and three large windows.Joseph Montanaro

Here, we find ourselves on the other side of those imposing triple windows that peeked through the trees upon our approach to the mansion. They're much cozier from this side, where the clashing patterns evoke a homeyness (which is apparently how that very real word is actually spelled) that is quite unexpected from a house at this particular price point.

A pristine, newly-renovated white kitchen.Joseph Montanaro

The kitchen is all off-white and sparkling until you cook bolognese one time or fry a latke too excitedly and it all goes yellow-red to match those cushions in the living room. It's a spacious, high-end-looking kitchen, though, where your nanny is sure to enjoy making the little lord's morning gruel each day.

A blue-and-red dining room.Joseph Montanaro

The dining room is a dining room, complete with the mandatory rich-people dining room carpet, on which food will most definitely be spilled. There's also a tasteful painting of some various vessels and jars, which I have genuinely no comment on, a phenomenon that fascinates even myself.

If you're curious about the nanny's quarters, based on the floor plans, my best guess is that they comprise the bedroom on the first floor, pictures of which seem weirdly hard to identify. Instead, let's take a look at the family room.

The family room, complete with a TV and small library.Joseph Montanaro

Well, it certainly looks like a family room to me! And the bathroom nearby, which is not the nanny's bathroom (which, I cannot stress this enough, I'm struggling to locate in the provided pictures of the house, which are otherwise impeccably organized). It's actually technically a washroom and not a bathroom, and there's another statue in it to keep you company.

One of the home's several bathrooms.Joseph Montanaro

Instead of showing us the nanny's quarters, let's follow the gallery up to the second story, where a mysterious, beguiling portrait of a woman gazes over the landing at a warrior statue drawing his sword. Maybe there's a beautiful love story there...

The second-story landing, featuring a portrait of a woman.Joseph Montanaro

There are a total of four bedrooms on the second story, besides the principal suite, which looks over the city in a quite beautiful view. That suite is below, all cream and off-white (until the new owners change that, please and thank you) with nary a statue in sight.

A view of the home's primary suite.Joseph Montanaro

This leads us to my favourite room in the house: the principal suite bathroom. It's beautiful, with a swanky tub and a big walk-in shower. It's got plants and stuff and black marble-y-looking surfaces and I just want to take a shower and then a bath and then a shower and then a bath back and forth until my skin falls off it's just so tasteful and inviting. Imagine the sheer luxury of a Lush bath bomb (or, shit, maybe TWO) in that monster of a tub.

The main bathroom of the primary suite, focused on the beautiful bathtub.Joseph Montanaro

The principal suite has a door to an opulent office, with a portrait of a dour, seated man and a weird headless torso statue of a woman right on the desk. Imagine sitting in that striped white chair across from the boss himself, trying not to make eye contact with the statue's chest while you're chewed out for not posting pictures of the nanny's suite in the listing. Yikes.

A red-and-white toned office.Joseph Montanaro

This office is pretty tame as far as offices go, but the exercise room in the basement is positively a jumpscare. Look at that weird handle thing coming from that machine thing in the middle. Yes I don't exercise that much, no I don't want to know what any of these arcane devices are capable of. Keep it to yourself.

A kitted-out exercise room.Joseph Montanaro

Let's leave these unnecessary metal objects behind and take a peek at the house's mandatory outdoor swimming pool, a long rectangular affair with a cute little diving board at one end and a table for outside entertaining. It looks perfect for private, shady summer days by the water, with a surprising amount of tree cover hiding the area from the neighbours.

The backyard pool, in-ground, of course.Joseph Montanaro

Overall, this home gives me modest wealth energy, the kind that buys a $13.95 million home but doesn't want to show us the nanny suite in case we get judgy. It's a beautiful property with everything a family could need, plus some extra room for tasteful (or distasteful, up to you) statues and portraits to emphasize the worldliness of a patriarch (it's Westmount, it's a patriarch) who knows to put the most awesome and frightening red carpet in his office to scare off weak blood.

If you're curious, the manor has a middling walk score and a low-to-middling bike score, so you'll need to take advantage of the two-car garage if you want to get around anywhere in the city. But with a home like this, who needs to go anywhere else?